How you can sit in church and pray and pray and pray that this week would be different and then even before the sermon is over your mind is already set on the week ahead and your begging prayers forgotten?
I don't know why but every Sunday I sit in church, crycrycry and then almost refuse to follow Christ through out the week.
I feel kinda crazy right now...
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
This World.
Sometimes I get overwhelmed when I hear there has been another earthquake and tens of thousands of people are dead. Not overwhelmed like what can I do but overwhelmed like "How much more can happen before this all just becomes the norm and people stop responding?" I don't think will stop responding all together but when the tsunami in Japan happened everyone jumped on it and helped, raised money all that but lately I've been realizing that big things happen very often and people need help ALL THE TIME... sometimes growing up sucks.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Self Care.
Let us talk about this notion.
Self Care.
Last week I met with a friend to talk about some things and as I was leaving she kept saying to me "self care, self care, self care."
I thought it was simple enough. I take care of myself everyday.
Almost a week later and I'm realizing I do not take care of myself everyday. Self care is actually more than waking up 10 minutes late, brushing your teeth, awkwardly smiling at yourself in the mirror trying to reassure yourself that you do actually look good, running to the barn to do chores knowing I won't eat until around 2ish and won't leave the barn until around 10pm. That's how I take care of myself... basically by running myself into the ground.
Honestly I don't see it as running myself into the ground at the time. I love (understatement) my job and do not mind working 14 hour days. I don't always work that long but this last week the lady that normally does morning chores was sick so I took on her hours.
Either way, I was thinking this morning a lot about the importance of taking care of yourself because well... in order to not let other down even if you are attempting to not let others down by not putting yourself first, you will eventually get to a point where you just can't do it anymore. So... I definitely have not reached the "I can't do it" point but I have reached the "Is God in this anymore" point.
That's the biggest uh-oh of not taking care of yourself. Or of me not taking care of myself. God and everything gets thrown out the window.
So... how do we change this?
Seems like it could be simple but I think it will be a hit or miss kind of thing.
I've never been the kind of girl to wake up early to put on makeup and actually make myself look good for the day and I think I'm going to start there.
Seems silly, I know but I've actually always wanted to be that girl that wakes up and cares about what she looks like because well.. the first thing you've done with your day is take of yourself... I think...
I'll let your know how this goes.
If you have any self care ideas let me know.
Self Care.
Last week I met with a friend to talk about some things and as I was leaving she kept saying to me "self care, self care, self care."
I thought it was simple enough. I take care of myself everyday.
Almost a week later and I'm realizing I do not take care of myself everyday. Self care is actually more than waking up 10 minutes late, brushing your teeth, awkwardly smiling at yourself in the mirror trying to reassure yourself that you do actually look good, running to the barn to do chores knowing I won't eat until around 2ish and won't leave the barn until around 10pm. That's how I take care of myself... basically by running myself into the ground.
Honestly I don't see it as running myself into the ground at the time. I love (understatement) my job and do not mind working 14 hour days. I don't always work that long but this last week the lady that normally does morning chores was sick so I took on her hours.
Either way, I was thinking this morning a lot about the importance of taking care of yourself because well... in order to not let other down even if you are attempting to not let others down by not putting yourself first, you will eventually get to a point where you just can't do it anymore. So... I definitely have not reached the "I can't do it" point but I have reached the "Is God in this anymore" point.
That's the biggest uh-oh of not taking care of yourself. Or of me not taking care of myself. God and everything gets thrown out the window.
So... how do we change this?
Seems like it could be simple but I think it will be a hit or miss kind of thing.
I've never been the kind of girl to wake up early to put on makeup and actually make myself look good for the day and I think I'm going to start there.
Seems silly, I know but I've actually always wanted to be that girl that wakes up and cares about what she looks like because well.. the first thing you've done with your day is take of yourself... I think...
I'll let your know how this goes.
If you have any self care ideas let me know.
Monday, August 22, 2011
State Fair.
Yesterday was my birthday and I decided that after I got morning chores done and went to church I wanted to go to the fair. So I did and it was probably the best time I've had in a long time. I saw part of a sheep show, a kid playing with his trucks in the dirt in his wranglers and cowboy boots, swine auction, more men in wranglers and cowboy boots and hats than I've seen in a long time (one of the best parts of the day), some lambs, puppy for sale :) which in turn made me want a puppy. I saw all kinds of great things. It makes me miss the days of showing. Those were long days but fun and worth it :)
Thursday, August 18, 2011
I'm usually absolutely sure...
that God just wants the worst for me all the time.
It's not true of course but how do you change such thinking?
Read your bible and get truth in your brain... I hate when I ask questions and then almost immediately I know the answer but I swear I didn't know the answer yesterday when I was asking myself the same question.
It's not true of course but how do you change such thinking?
Read your bible and get truth in your brain... I hate when I ask questions and then almost immediately I know the answer but I swear I didn't know the answer yesterday when I was asking myself the same question.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Something I really struggle with...
Is always believing that I must deal with things alone. It's a lie I have believed and learned to live with for many, many years. The honest truth is I (we) do not deal with life alone.
I was reading in my last post about how things will happen and then I might talk about them with friends but when it comes down to it I'm still alone right?
Well... technically yes I am physically alone in dealing with family, friends and other crap but truthfully and in Christ I am not alone. So yes it might be a little physically lonely BUT I can still be thankful that I have friends to pray with and that are praying for me and friends that I can trust to lead me towards Christ. That is such a blessing that many people do not have.
I wanted to write this because I finally see it... I'm not alone and I have people that will stick out this thing called life with me.
I was reading in my last post about how things will happen and then I might talk about them with friends but when it comes down to it I'm still alone right?
Well... technically yes I am physically alone in dealing with family, friends and other crap but truthfully and in Christ I am not alone. So yes it might be a little physically lonely BUT I can still be thankful that I have friends to pray with and that are praying for me and friends that I can trust to lead me towards Christ. That is such a blessing that many people do not have.
I wanted to write this because I finally see it... I'm not alone and I have people that will stick out this thing called life with me.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Sleep doesn't come easily these days...
Most days I'm overly tired and I just lay in bed only to wake up at 6am sharp.
But tonight I just can't sleep.
I have been reading through a book that is challenging to say the least but that's not what I want to talk about. I was reading this book however and while I am normally able to pay attention to the words I found myself wondering tonight.
I had a sudden breakdown yesterday. In the shower of all places. Either way, you know how God works regardless of where you are in life and regardless of how you feel and well regardless of everything?
Even when you're crying out "WHERE ARE YOU?WHERE ARE YOU?WHERE ARE YOU?"
And you can see His work in your life but there is no connection to it? He's foreign? Maybe you don't understand this but that's fine. It's a weird place to be.
God is so obviously working daily in my life. Providing for me, planning, working things out... and probably doing other things and I seem to be just along for the numb ride.
All this to get back to the fact that I decided to put my book down and talk to God about the fact that I'm scared of... well... Him.
Yesterday my breakdown started with a text from a guy and while I'll skip all that and get right to the point that I don't trust God to provide the right husband for me. I don't think God realizes that I need someone to reallyreallyreally treat me carefully and be gentle and kind but at the same time strong enough to break through these huge walls that I will put up unknowingly. I just don't think God knows how fragile I really am.
Ok. I know that God knows how fragile I am but I do my darndest to prove to Him and everyone else that I am a freaking rock that can handle anything.
I don't know how to handle everything that comes with my life and not try to be a rock. I don't see what good it'll do to sit and talk to people about it when in the end I'll still be the one that has to deal with my family.... I mean yes I sat there and talked to my friends about it and they know it's going on and maybe they're even praying about it but in the moment when it's happening?? Why is that the time that I have to be alone and then go home alone and try to deal with it in a healthy way? I mean yes I could come over and hang out and cry about it but again... you won't be coming home with me friend... I'll go home crawl into bed and still have to deal with it. Do you get what I'm saying? I'm not trying to be mean... I think my eyes need to be opened to some kind of truth here... I just don't know what it is...
Don't get me wrong... I know that Christ is there with me and He is my strength but how do you keep strong...maybe thats the wrong word... how do you keep hold of grace in the times that God seems foreign?
So lets just throw it out there that God is bringing up and making me deal with a lot of crap :)
I decided to put my book down and pick up my bible. I started to read Isaiah because I like Isaiah.
I come across Isaiah 50: 10-11 (NIV, emphasis added)
"Who among you fears the Lord
and obeys his servant?
If you are walking in darkness,
without a ray of light,
trust in the Lord
and rely on your God.
But watch out, you who live in your
own light and warm yourselves by your own fires.
This is the reward you will receive from me:
You will soon fall down in great torment."
Okay... so I read that and I think "Oh that's scary." And then I think.... "Wait... my instinct is I'm in darkness so I need to build a fire to get through this."
But God is saying trust me in the darkness.... and I'm saying "No... you put me in darkness and I'm defending myself. What's wrong with defending myself God?"
My thinking needs to change. I shouldn't be so quick to protect myself... not that that's something I can just quit doing. I've felt that I've had to do it for so long that it's basically second nature.
So... I read that verse and God shows me through this verse that He sends darkness and I don't trust Him but I take care of myself and I proudly turn to God and say "Hey! Look at this fire I built... it's great huh?" And He doesn't respond but I probably don't wait for His response and when the fire burns out and I can't get it going again I try running... far and fast. I have to find God if I just keep running right?
God says in Is. 45:7
"I create the light and make the darkness.
I send good times and bad times.
I, the Lord, am the one who does these things."
Why am I trying to prove myself in the things that He makes and creates?
I think I really want to prove that I can do it and I'm constantly trying to reverse the lies and memories I was given by the people that were supposed to.... provide, protect and love me.
They do love me but dang I did not realize that the scars ran this freaking deep.
I keep thinking to myself "Shouldn't I be over this by now??" I guess there is more to deal with... that's fine. I don't think I have a choice but to deal with it :)
He also says in Is. 14:24
"It will happen as I have planned.
It will be as I have decided."
So... As Pastor Whipple told me. God gave me the parents (and family) I have for a reason. He planned it and He knew what He was doing. Also... just the life I have in general, all the pain, all the happiness, everything... He planned and it will be as He decides.
I feel like I covered a lot but... that's fine.
But tonight I just can't sleep.
I have been reading through a book that is challenging to say the least but that's not what I want to talk about. I was reading this book however and while I am normally able to pay attention to the words I found myself wondering tonight.
I had a sudden breakdown yesterday. In the shower of all places. Either way, you know how God works regardless of where you are in life and regardless of how you feel and well regardless of everything?
Even when you're crying out "WHERE ARE YOU?WHERE ARE YOU?WHERE ARE YOU?"
And you can see His work in your life but there is no connection to it? He's foreign? Maybe you don't understand this but that's fine. It's a weird place to be.
God is so obviously working daily in my life. Providing for me, planning, working things out... and probably doing other things and I seem to be just along for the numb ride.
All this to get back to the fact that I decided to put my book down and talk to God about the fact that I'm scared of... well... Him.
Yesterday my breakdown started with a text from a guy and while I'll skip all that and get right to the point that I don't trust God to provide the right husband for me. I don't think God realizes that I need someone to reallyreallyreally treat me carefully and be gentle and kind but at the same time strong enough to break through these huge walls that I will put up unknowingly. I just don't think God knows how fragile I really am.
Ok. I know that God knows how fragile I am but I do my darndest to prove to Him and everyone else that I am a freaking rock that can handle anything.
I don't know how to handle everything that comes with my life and not try to be a rock. I don't see what good it'll do to sit and talk to people about it when in the end I'll still be the one that has to deal with my family.... I mean yes I sat there and talked to my friends about it and they know it's going on and maybe they're even praying about it but in the moment when it's happening?? Why is that the time that I have to be alone and then go home alone and try to deal with it in a healthy way? I mean yes I could come over and hang out and cry about it but again... you won't be coming home with me friend... I'll go home crawl into bed and still have to deal with it. Do you get what I'm saying? I'm not trying to be mean... I think my eyes need to be opened to some kind of truth here... I just don't know what it is...
Don't get me wrong... I know that Christ is there with me and He is my strength but how do you keep strong...maybe thats the wrong word... how do you keep hold of grace in the times that God seems foreign?
So lets just throw it out there that God is bringing up and making me deal with a lot of crap :)
I decided to put my book down and pick up my bible. I started to read Isaiah because I like Isaiah.
I come across Isaiah 50: 10-11 (NIV, emphasis added)
"Who among you fears the Lord
and obeys his servant?
If you are walking in darkness,
without a ray of light,
trust in the Lord
and rely on your God.
But watch out, you who live in your
own light and warm yourselves by your own fires.
This is the reward you will receive from me:
You will soon fall down in great torment."
Okay... so I read that and I think "Oh that's scary." And then I think.... "Wait... my instinct is I'm in darkness so I need to build a fire to get through this."
But God is saying trust me in the darkness.... and I'm saying "No... you put me in darkness and I'm defending myself. What's wrong with defending myself God?"
My thinking needs to change. I shouldn't be so quick to protect myself... not that that's something I can just quit doing. I've felt that I've had to do it for so long that it's basically second nature.
So... I read that verse and God shows me through this verse that He sends darkness and I don't trust Him but I take care of myself and I proudly turn to God and say "Hey! Look at this fire I built... it's great huh?" And He doesn't respond but I probably don't wait for His response and when the fire burns out and I can't get it going again I try running... far and fast. I have to find God if I just keep running right?
God says in Is. 45:7
"I create the light and make the darkness.
I send good times and bad times.
I, the Lord, am the one who does these things."
Why am I trying to prove myself in the things that He makes and creates?
I think I really want to prove that I can do it and I'm constantly trying to reverse the lies and memories I was given by the people that were supposed to.... provide, protect and love me.
They do love me but dang I did not realize that the scars ran this freaking deep.
I keep thinking to myself "Shouldn't I be over this by now??" I guess there is more to deal with... that's fine. I don't think I have a choice but to deal with it :)
He also says in Is. 14:24
"It will happen as I have planned.
It will be as I have decided."
So... As Pastor Whipple told me. God gave me the parents (and family) I have for a reason. He planned it and He knew what He was doing. Also... just the life I have in general, all the pain, all the happiness, everything... He planned and it will be as He decides.
I feel like I covered a lot but... that's fine.
Everyday...
So one of the best parts of going to work are the back roads I take to get there. Small, 35 MPH speed limit, run down back roads. I had today off so I did things around the house, went to the grocery (forgot toilet paper... sucks) and watched Eliza for awhile. It was great. I tried to stay away from the barn because I'm there a lot and I need to make sure I'm not around the barn on my days off... there is no need to get run down and burnt out. The only problem... all day I kept thinking "I should go ride. No I need to stay away from the barn... but maybe I'll just go for a drive down those roads. No because then I'll go to the barn and I need to take my day off from the barn. But I want to see Jack and just kiss his nose. No.. okay time for the pep-talk.... Halie. You have to stay away from the barn. You are there way to much already and yes you love it but you have filing, dishes, LAUNDRY, and trash to take out so go home. Jack will be there in the morning and you have to be there all day anyways... so freaking go home."
So I didn't go to the barn today. Which is good because I will be there all day tomorrow and most of the day on Sunday.
So I didn't go to the barn today. Which is good because I will be there all day tomorrow and most of the day on Sunday.
Monday, July 11, 2011
I've decided to not do laundry and just buy underwear.
It's true.
Regardless... I went for a great ride this morning. We have this horse at the barn who's name is Jack and well.. I didn't love him at first. He's old and he acts old BUT he has great muscle. He's an old ranch horse :)
He's pretty. Not scared of much and has a great western trot :) Good canter to much he's just nice and slow. Gives you time to look at the scenery. Hannah I write most of this for you :) Either way, took him on a nice long trail ride the other day and decided I needed to take him out for myself today and just ride him. So I saddled him up and took him out to the track. First thing I learned... I needed to take the saddle off :) I hate riding with saddles but the executive director was at the barn and I wasn't sure how she would feel about me working a horse without a saddle. Not everyone at this barn rides the way I do... which is fine. They ride English I ride with no saddle. So... I took the saddle off. Now everything feels right. He goes into a beautiful trot then into a beautiful canter and we just ride and sweat and work for a good 10 or 15 minutes. Not to long. This old man hasn't been worked like this in while and well... neither have I. So we walk around the track for awhile (this barn used to breed and train throughbred races horses so this is a nice mile long track)... go back grab the saddle and head back to the barn. We were both dripping sweat. I'm sure he's never been happier to see the barn. The poor boy is such a ranch horse. He did not like being out the riding by himself even though he listened really well and did not eat while we were working I could just tell that he was like "I'M RETIRED AND IT'S HOT. FREAKIN' TAKE ME BACK" So, I'm going to continue taking him out and riding him and just getting him used to his new life here. He hasn't been worked much since he left the ranch so I think he's also got kind of lazy. He's just the most perfect old, want to go on a nice trail ride with a sound horse, horse :) He's sweet but not to attached or needy. He's a good "project" horse that doesn't really need to learn anything he just needs to be worked... and stretched. The old man has arthritis.
Well... that's all. Have a good hot day.
Regardless... I went for a great ride this morning. We have this horse at the barn who's name is Jack and well.. I didn't love him at first. He's old and he acts old BUT he has great muscle. He's an old ranch horse :)
He's pretty. Not scared of much and has a great western trot :) Good canter to much he's just nice and slow. Gives you time to look at the scenery. Hannah I write most of this for you :) Either way, took him on a nice long trail ride the other day and decided I needed to take him out for myself today and just ride him. So I saddled him up and took him out to the track. First thing I learned... I needed to take the saddle off :) I hate riding with saddles but the executive director was at the barn and I wasn't sure how she would feel about me working a horse without a saddle. Not everyone at this barn rides the way I do... which is fine. They ride English I ride with no saddle. So... I took the saddle off. Now everything feels right. He goes into a beautiful trot then into a beautiful canter and we just ride and sweat and work for a good 10 or 15 minutes. Not to long. This old man hasn't been worked like this in while and well... neither have I. So we walk around the track for awhile (this barn used to breed and train throughbred races horses so this is a nice mile long track)... go back grab the saddle and head back to the barn. We were both dripping sweat. I'm sure he's never been happier to see the barn. The poor boy is such a ranch horse. He did not like being out the riding by himself even though he listened really well and did not eat while we were working I could just tell that he was like "I'M RETIRED AND IT'S HOT. FREAKIN' TAKE ME BACK" So, I'm going to continue taking him out and riding him and just getting him used to his new life here. He hasn't been worked much since he left the ranch so I think he's also got kind of lazy. He's just the most perfect old, want to go on a nice trail ride with a sound horse, horse :) He's sweet but not to attached or needy. He's a good "project" horse that doesn't really need to learn anything he just needs to be worked... and stretched. The old man has arthritis.
Well... that's all. Have a good hot day.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Going to church.
I went to Traders Point Christian Church today.
It was huge.
The head pastor was gone but their age-level pastor (I don't know what age-level means) spoke today.
I enjoyed what he had to say. He held my attention the entire time and I walked away with stuff to chew on. So... I've decided to give it a couple of weeks and try to get involved there and see what happens. Did I meantion it's huge? Well... it is. So... I don't quite know how I'm going to get connected but I'll try a couple of things out.
I'm really happy I have the barn right now because even though I feel completely out of place everywhere else when I'm at the barn and I'm able to go for a good ride... I feel confident and normal? yeah... normal is a good word... it's also nice to have Rebekah close. She makes me feel normal too... or at least relaxed.
It was huge.
The head pastor was gone but their age-level pastor (I don't know what age-level means) spoke today.
I enjoyed what he had to say. He held my attention the entire time and I walked away with stuff to chew on. So... I've decided to give it a couple of weeks and try to get involved there and see what happens. Did I meantion it's huge? Well... it is. So... I don't quite know how I'm going to get connected but I'll try a couple of things out.
I'm really happy I have the barn right now because even though I feel completely out of place everywhere else when I'm at the barn and I'm able to go for a good ride... I feel confident and normal? yeah... normal is a good word... it's also nice to have Rebekah close. She makes me feel normal too... or at least relaxed.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Sometimes when you live in a new place you have to do new things.
Like laundry.
How is laundry new?
Let me tell you... first you have to go the main apartment building and load up your laundry card (my fancy apartment complex has these)... make sure you have your laundry basket. After you're all loaded up walk into a door that doesn't open because you're sure that's where the laundry room is... next walk into the indoor tennis court because maybe it's across from there?? No it's definitely not... so you walk into the bathrooms as quickly as possible because people are watching you at this point. Go pee... because your nervous. After you pee look in the mirror try to remember with all your might where these laundry facilities could be..... okay you really don't remember. Suck it up and go back into the hallway. Run back into the bathroom. Think harder!! Do you need to pee again? No... that's just ridiculous. Okay... go back out. Ask the nice, basically deaf lady at the desk where the laundry facilities are. She'll ask what building you're in. When you tell her she'll say "Come look at this map." So you do... you find your building on the map but nothing about laundry. Keep in mind you are still carrying your laundry around with you. Anyways... deaf lady will then say well do you know the direction of your building... yes you do because... well... you just came from there. So she'll take you to a window and ask which direction your building is in. When you point it out she'll say "Well you should be able to do it in that building over there where that car is turning (points to car turning but all you'll see is your apartment building... knowing that there is not a basement for you to do your laundry in)" So... you'll say "Thank you!" and kindly leave. Next drive around hoping to see a building that maybe has a laundry room but not sure what that looks like... so you'll decide to keep driving and just go home... nope changed your mind you don't want to go home because you don't have internet and you have things that HAVE to be done and you need the internet. So, you decided to go to the nearest Starbucks and use there internet.
And there you go. Laundry is not done but you are at Starbucks getting other things done. YAY... try again tomorrow.
How is laundry new?
Let me tell you... first you have to go the main apartment building and load up your laundry card (my fancy apartment complex has these)... make sure you have your laundry basket. After you're all loaded up walk into a door that doesn't open because you're sure that's where the laundry room is... next walk into the indoor tennis court because maybe it's across from there?? No it's definitely not... so you walk into the bathrooms as quickly as possible because people are watching you at this point. Go pee... because your nervous. After you pee look in the mirror try to remember with all your might where these laundry facilities could be..... okay you really don't remember. Suck it up and go back into the hallway. Run back into the bathroom. Think harder!! Do you need to pee again? No... that's just ridiculous. Okay... go back out. Ask the nice, basically deaf lady at the desk where the laundry facilities are. She'll ask what building you're in. When you tell her she'll say "Come look at this map." So you do... you find your building on the map but nothing about laundry. Keep in mind you are still carrying your laundry around with you. Anyways... deaf lady will then say well do you know the direction of your building... yes you do because... well... you just came from there. So she'll take you to a window and ask which direction your building is in. When you point it out she'll say "Well you should be able to do it in that building over there where that car is turning (points to car turning but all you'll see is your apartment building... knowing that there is not a basement for you to do your laundry in)" So... you'll say "Thank you!" and kindly leave. Next drive around hoping to see a building that maybe has a laundry room but not sure what that looks like... so you'll decide to keep driving and just go home... nope changed your mind you don't want to go home because you don't have internet and you have things that HAVE to be done and you need the internet. So, you decided to go to the nearest Starbucks and use there internet.
And there you go. Laundry is not done but you are at Starbucks getting other things done. YAY... try again tomorrow.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Remember when...
Okay not only is that a name to a country song :) BUT I'm also asking you to remember when I first told you I was going to meet the family I would be nannying for?
Well… today is my last day with them. I feel like I should be sad but I'm not. It also has not hit me yet that last night was officially my last night in Lafayette. I feel like I've been saying, "I"m just ready to be in Indy and not so in between places," but now that I will actually be in Indy full time I can barely believe it.
Well… today is my last day with them. I feel like I should be sad but I'm not. It also has not hit me yet that last night was officially my last night in Lafayette. I feel like I've been saying, "I"m just ready to be in Indy and not so in between places," but now that I will actually be in Indy full time I can barely believe it.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Working Late.
The babies are asleep and Hunter is watching TV.
Sugar was put down today. She had cancer and wasn't doing to well. I was hoping they would wait until I left to put her down but it was definitely time. She was struggling. Either way it still is a bummer. This last week of work has been all kinds of emotional. I mean a lot has happened. Last night I went to my parents and I always know that when I go there it will either be kind of dramatic or really good :) So I went to spend the night because I'll be in Indy soon and know I won't be able to see them as much. Either way, my mom is really struggling with some stuff so it really felt like I was back in high school. Except… a little different because I'm not 15 anymore. Anyways, I haven't been to stressed out about everything. The only thing that makes me squirm is the thought of continuing to talk to people about this and being honest about what's going on. It's easy to text someone once and say "please be praying about this" but to continue to go to your friends and talk to them because that's the healthy thing to do… I'm not so sure about that. I realized that this is what needs to happen when a friend of mine was having a huge breakdown the other night and while she was crying she said "I didn't realize how emotionally screwed up I was until I had people to hold me while I cried and let me cry and then prayed with me about everything."
It was good to hear her say that. She has a great relationship with the Lord and always has.
Either way, I know I'm pretty emotionally messed up and I'm not saying I need to have the same experience she did. I realized though that she let her guard down and let herself show emotions and was allowed to then work through other things and was just able to feel. This is hard for me. I get awkward. I avoid it because I don't know what to say and no one really knows the situation or really understands it and I don't want someone to pity me or think badly of my parents. Well… okay… I actually don't know why I get so awkward about talking about it… I mean those are good excuses but also I think it's hard for me to be open and honest and then just let them love me. Being vulnerable usually leaves me feeling… scared and empty. Huh.
I have to go… the babies are tearing shit up… I can hear them.
Sugar was put down today. She had cancer and wasn't doing to well. I was hoping they would wait until I left to put her down but it was definitely time. She was struggling. Either way it still is a bummer. This last week of work has been all kinds of emotional. I mean a lot has happened. Last night I went to my parents and I always know that when I go there it will either be kind of dramatic or really good :) So I went to spend the night because I'll be in Indy soon and know I won't be able to see them as much. Either way, my mom is really struggling with some stuff so it really felt like I was back in high school. Except… a little different because I'm not 15 anymore. Anyways, I haven't been to stressed out about everything. The only thing that makes me squirm is the thought of continuing to talk to people about this and being honest about what's going on. It's easy to text someone once and say "please be praying about this" but to continue to go to your friends and talk to them because that's the healthy thing to do… I'm not so sure about that. I realized that this is what needs to happen when a friend of mine was having a huge breakdown the other night and while she was crying she said "I didn't realize how emotionally screwed up I was until I had people to hold me while I cried and let me cry and then prayed with me about everything."
It was good to hear her say that. She has a great relationship with the Lord and always has.
Either way, I know I'm pretty emotionally messed up and I'm not saying I need to have the same experience she did. I realized though that she let her guard down and let herself show emotions and was allowed to then work through other things and was just able to feel. This is hard for me. I get awkward. I avoid it because I don't know what to say and no one really knows the situation or really understands it and I don't want someone to pity me or think badly of my parents. Well… okay… I actually don't know why I get so awkward about talking about it… I mean those are good excuses but also I think it's hard for me to be open and honest and then just let them love me. Being vulnerable usually leaves me feeling… scared and empty. Huh.
I have to go… the babies are tearing shit up… I can hear them.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Books.
I've now changed the title of this blog 3 times and I'm sure I'll change it 5 more times before the end. I'm terrible at naming things. I always had my art teachers name my art works that went up in galleries because I never could. Anyways... I like to read. I think I've talked about this before but here we are again.
Last night as I was laying in bed (which is currently a mattress on the floor of the Davey girls room but a bed none the less better than just the floor, which I did sleep on one night...either way...) I saw a book with the title Passion and Purity. I usually LOVE to skim these books because they usually say the silliest things that give christian women silly hope. The author is Elisabeth Elliot and I haven't heard anything about her but she seems interesting. The book is still kind of silly but she does have some good things to say.... well actually what I really like is that incorporates the letters that people write to her. They ask about relationships, why this happened or blah blah. Okay here's where I drop the tough act and let you know that this book actually has smacked me in the face. It's kind of made me mad at times... the worst part?
It makes me mad because she talks about things that I've struggled with for years and is informing me that I messed up. Don't like that... maybe some more on that later. For now I just wanted to touch on 2 things that stuck out to me.
1) After sharing some of her journal entries, that were only scriptures, she pointed out that she didn't know what she was upset about but that it was "better to stick with what God was saying to me [scriptures] than what my heart was saying."(p52)
The next one I'll spend more time explaining later... also remember I'm just giving you a clip of the book.
2) A girl says to her "I'm not arguing theology and all that. All I'm thinking about is asking Al if he would want to go to chinese. Anything wrong with that?"
She responds with "Be careful. Don't put him in an indefinable position. Also... if you marry Al would you (or he?) be okay with the fact that you pursued him?"
[Still from the book] I would ask my challengers to reflect on the design of the Designer; to ask what it means; to test the way they treat the opposite sex with these questions: is it fitting? is it in accord with my best understanding of God's plan? What is it that brings God's man and God's woman near to each other with delicacy and grace?
"Well, how about if I just call and ask him what I can pray for for him this week?"
You have not yet understood.
I liked the last part.
I'll write more later.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Everytime we go outside...
Grayson says to me "We need to put on ice cream."
Me: "Do you mean sunscreen?"
Grayson: "ummm... yeah sunscreen."
Me: "Do you mean sunscreen?"
Grayson: "ummm... yeah sunscreen."
Monday, June 20, 2011
Home Sick
I think I've talked about this before... but I guess we can talk about it again :)
Anyways... not many of my friends are from the country... actually... ummm... none of them... well that I can think of right now. Either way, sometimes I want to grab my gun, a 4-wheeler (if we still had one) (a horse is always fun to take too) throw them in the back of the truck and take off to the creek. Then spend the day riding and shoot some clay pigeons before making a fire, eating and then falling asleep either in the back of the truck, trailer or a tent. I know to many this would be something that a "hick" would do but say what you want it's my favorite and this is the kind of stuff I miss.
That's all.
Anyways... not many of my friends are from the country... actually... ummm... none of them... well that I can think of right now. Either way, sometimes I want to grab my gun, a 4-wheeler (if we still had one) (a horse is always fun to take too) throw them in the back of the truck and take off to the creek. Then spend the day riding and shoot some clay pigeons before making a fire, eating and then falling asleep either in the back of the truck, trailer or a tent. I know to many this would be something that a "hick" would do but say what you want it's my favorite and this is the kind of stuff I miss.
That's all.
How about these storms.
I enjoy a good thunderstorm but not driving in it or being woken up from crazy, crackling lightning.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
2 weeks.
Only 2 more weeks and I will be in Indianapolis for good.
No more Lafayette, no more nannying.
I think I'm excited.
It'll be fun to make new friends and basically kind of start over. Not that I want to start over but that's what's happening.
So yeah... 2 weeks and 1 one day. I'm stoked.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
More of what I hear.
Every time I tell Grayson I'm going somewhere he says to me
"I got with this?"
I think it is absolutely hilarious.
Grayson walking up the driveway carrying his wagon says to no one in particular
"I'm so tough"
Also yesterday I told Gray he was a boy. He looks at me and says "No I'm a man."
Grayson walking up the driveway carrying his wagon says to no one in particular
"I'm so tough"
Also yesterday I told Gray he was a boy. He looks at me and says "No I'm a man."
Monday, June 13, 2011
Call me crazy.
Crazy please call me.
I'm writing this for my own good.
1 Peter 1:13-21
13Therefore, preparing your minds for action,[a] and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. 14As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, 15but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct,16since it is written, "You shall be holy, for I am holy." 17And if you call on him as Father who judges impartially according to each one’s deeds, conduct yourselves with fear throughout the time of your exile, 18knowing that you were ransomed from the futile ways inherited from your forefathers, not with perishable things such as silver or gold, 19but with the precious blood of Christ, like that of a lamb without blemish or spot. 20He was foreknown before the foundation of the world but was made manifest in the last times for the sake of you 21who through him are believers in God, who raised him from the dead and gave him glory, so that your faith and hope are in God.
Have you ever been lonely and clung to the wrong person when they came along?
I hope you say yes because right now I know that what I'm doing is wrong and never have I seen my flesh fail in this way and have a fear that it won't be understood.
To some it may not be that big of a deal but it's made me sick to my stomach for days now.
I'll make the story quick.
I met a guy outside of a bar several months ago. We had a lot in common. He wasn't all that good lookin' but it was nice to talk to someone that had the same been raised on a farm and understood that life. We exchanged numbers and only texted that night a little and the next day until I completely stopped texting him because he wasn't a christian or the type of guy I should get involved with.
He texted me last week. I didn't have his number so when I saw the number I asked who it was and when he told me I responded with "it's been awhile.." We talked a little more that night but not really at all the next day until 10pm when I was sitting in my CPR class and I texted him. Bad choice. Still can't tell you why I did it. We continued to texted back and forth. I knew every morning and night I would get something from you whether it was a "sleep well" or a "I hope you have a good day." Followed later in the day by a "How was your day?" Unfortunately I looked forward to these texts knowing in my heart that he had one thing in mind. To ask me out and then get me into bed… he'd done it once he was going to try it again. So… he did end up asking me out and I said no because well I really didn't have time for it but also I could NOT do that to myself. Either way… I did almost say yes to dinner with him and I'm scared out of my mind that I will actually say yes next time.
That's all I have to say for now.
I'm writing this for my own good.
1 Peter 1:13-21
13Therefore, preparing your minds for action,[a] and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. 14As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, 15but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct,16since it is written, "You shall be holy, for I am holy." 17And if you call on him as Father who judges impartially according to each one’s deeds, conduct yourselves with fear throughout the time of your exile, 18knowing that you were ransomed from the futile ways inherited from your forefathers, not with perishable things such as silver or gold, 19but with the precious blood of Christ, like that of a lamb without blemish or spot. 20He was foreknown before the foundation of the world but was made manifest in the last times for the sake of you 21who through him are believers in God, who raised him from the dead and gave him glory, so that your faith and hope are in God.
Have you ever been lonely and clung to the wrong person when they came along?
I hope you say yes because right now I know that what I'm doing is wrong and never have I seen my flesh fail in this way and have a fear that it won't be understood.
To some it may not be that big of a deal but it's made me sick to my stomach for days now.
I'll make the story quick.
I met a guy outside of a bar several months ago. We had a lot in common. He wasn't all that good lookin' but it was nice to talk to someone that had the same been raised on a farm and understood that life. We exchanged numbers and only texted that night a little and the next day until I completely stopped texting him because he wasn't a christian or the type of guy I should get involved with.
He texted me last week. I didn't have his number so when I saw the number I asked who it was and when he told me I responded with "it's been awhile.." We talked a little more that night but not really at all the next day until 10pm when I was sitting in my CPR class and I texted him. Bad choice. Still can't tell you why I did it. We continued to texted back and forth. I knew every morning and night I would get something from you whether it was a "sleep well" or a "I hope you have a good day." Followed later in the day by a "How was your day?" Unfortunately I looked forward to these texts knowing in my heart that he had one thing in mind. To ask me out and then get me into bed… he'd done it once he was going to try it again. So… he did end up asking me out and I said no because well I really didn't have time for it but also I could NOT do that to myself. Either way… I did almost say yes to dinner with him and I'm scared out of my mind that I will actually say yes next time.
That's all I have to say for now.
Friday, June 3, 2011
I've got spots.
Grayson likes to call my freckles "spots" and he LOVES to find them.
Today he came to me with his arm held out to me and said
"I have Halie's spot."
I looked at his arm and there was a very tiny freckle :)
so we searched for more spots and didn't find any.
Today he came to me with his arm held out to me and said
"I have Halie's spot."
I looked at his arm and there was a very tiny freckle :)
so we searched for more spots and didn't find any.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Things I hear.
Maggie: Grayson you need to sit on you bottom.
Grayson: I've been sitting all day.
Halie: Grayson when will you use the potty?
Grayson: I have a diaper.
Halie: you should use the potty though.
Grayson: HALIE. I'm only two. (holds up 3 fingers)
Halie: Ya you should start using the potty. You're a big boy.
Grayson: oh… (ponders what I've just said and the discussion was dropped)
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Struggles.
Have you ever seen something on this earth and thought about how that whatever it is won't be in heaven and you're slightly dissapointed?
This one may not be for everyone but whatever.
Okay so here's my thinking... I have no idea what heaven is like but I know what earth is like.
I like to sit outside, drink coffee and have sun pour over me. I like to listen to classical music and wear high heels. I like to be with friends and hold babies and cook and clean.... and I think... will I miss this in heaven? What will we do in heaven? It kind of scares me... Do you hear me God? I'm scared!
the thought of being in heaven "forever" scares me... I mean what is forever? That's a long time. What if I don't get into heaven? Like I try to do everything right down here but just can't quite do it?
I'm not freaking out simply writing down thoughts I have...
Honestly I think the thing being put before me now is to mentally give everything up on this earth and let myself become a stranger here.
Sure enjoy the sunlight, horses, music and friends but long more for Christ. It's not something that makes me sad it's something that makes me nervous because I know the things here and I don't know the things of heaven... if that makes sense. Either way.. be praying :)
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
I'm being cynical...
Okay... I know... I'm cynical. Now that we're over that bridge and on the cynical side of things let me just say gushy stuff is stupid.
I have heard so many people lately tell me the story of how they finally got to a place where they were happy being single and then 'blah' showed up and now they are dating (or married) and well it's great.
Okay awesome but can someone else please throw me a different story?
Just wanted to throw that out there.
I have heard so many people lately tell me the story of how they finally got to a place where they were happy being single and then 'blah' showed up and now they are dating (or married) and well it's great.
Okay awesome but can someone else please throw me a different story?
Just wanted to throw that out there.
CAN YOU BARELY BELIEVE IT???
Okay... lets fill you in.
So... the other day I went to a therapeutic riding barn to volunteer and was offered a job on the weekends!!
So now every weekend I get to be at the barn :) How great. There's more. One lady mentioned to me that I should look into being an instructor... so I did. So... I've begun my certification to be an instructor!
Are you not totally stoked?! I'm excited.
That's really it.
So... the other day I went to a therapeutic riding barn to volunteer and was offered a job on the weekends!!
So now every weekend I get to be at the barn :) How great. There's more. One lady mentioned to me that I should look into being an instructor... so I did. So... I've begun my certification to be an instructor!
Are you not totally stoked?! I'm excited.
That's really it.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
It's that time of the year.
Every so often, usually around the beginning of fall, middle of summer, coldest part of winter and all of spring, all I can think about is how I should be at a barn working with some horse. I know it's something I'll never be able to shake. I have learned how to deal with this feeling though. For a long time it was something that made me extremely antsy but now I'm completely content knowing that one day I'll be back in the barn and I might be 50 when it happens but one day it will. 
Also... I want to marry a cowboy.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Chuck E. Cheese
So Isabelle's fourth birthday party was at Chuck E. Cheese today. Talk about a party.
Personally I think that place is crazy and have no desire to take my kids there but I'm sure I will. When I first arrived I was handed a cup of tokens and Isabelle quickly grabbed my hand and off we went.
She, of course, was so overwhelmed by all the machines that we went from machine to machine or game to game not knowing what was really happening. My favorite parts of this whole experience was watching the kids basically lose there minds. At first all kids were playing games then I began to notice more parents playing games and kids just watching.
I'm guilty. I was watching Lou play Mario Kart and then I scooted to the one next to her for a couple rounds myself. For some reason though I got super disoriented but after doing it for awhile I adjusted... makes me feel old. Lou played, seriously, about 45 minutes of Mario Kart before she was peeled away by her dad... who wanted to play :) It was a good night. I was able to see some old family members I haven't seen in awhile.
Well, I'm going to go. Band of Brothers is on and I MUST watch it...
It was nice talking to you.
Personally I think that place is crazy and have no desire to take my kids there but I'm sure I will. When I first arrived I was handed a cup of tokens and Isabelle quickly grabbed my hand and off we went.
She, of course, was so overwhelmed by all the machines that we went from machine to machine or game to game not knowing what was really happening. My favorite parts of this whole experience was watching the kids basically lose there minds. At first all kids were playing games then I began to notice more parents playing games and kids just watching.
I'm guilty. I was watching Lou play Mario Kart and then I scooted to the one next to her for a couple rounds myself. For some reason though I got super disoriented but after doing it for awhile I adjusted... makes me feel old. Lou played, seriously, about 45 minutes of Mario Kart before she was peeled away by her dad... who wanted to play :) It was a good night. I was able to see some old family members I haven't seen in awhile.
Well, I'm going to go. Band of Brothers is on and I MUST watch it...
It was nice talking to you.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
The Effects of Birth Control.
So I've been taking birth control for awhile to regulate my periods.
At first I was for it but I think that was because I had never had regular periods so it was exciting.
As I'm getting older I have found that researching things and finding facts about whatever you want to take or do or pursue is a good idea.
I've never looked into the birth control or even the one I was taking. I've heard people talk about it and know why others don't take it but I myself just chose not to look into it.
Either way, on Tuesday I forgot to take my pill so I took it the next night along with my Wednesday one. I had done this before and felt fine. Well, this morning I did not feel fine when I woke up. I was very nauseous.. all morning. It took me a long time to feel normal. Either way, I was thinking about my birth control and the fact that I have never done any research on it. So I did and I don't think it's terrible.
So, from there I decided to look into some "natural" remedies on how to regulate things. For the most part diet and exercise was the most repeated piece of advice. I've known for awhile that I need to change how I eat and how I exercise. Over the summer I was exercising and eating relatively well but now I have formed terrible, terrible habits. I don't even want to talk about them. So, I have decided to finish this round of birth control, come up with a healthy meal plan and a good exercise regiment...
We'll see you things go. I guess I'll keep you updated.
At first I was for it but I think that was because I had never had regular periods so it was exciting.
As I'm getting older I have found that researching things and finding facts about whatever you want to take or do or pursue is a good idea.
I've never looked into the birth control or even the one I was taking. I've heard people talk about it and know why others don't take it but I myself just chose not to look into it.
Either way, on Tuesday I forgot to take my pill so I took it the next night along with my Wednesday one. I had done this before and felt fine. Well, this morning I did not feel fine when I woke up. I was very nauseous.. all morning. It took me a long time to feel normal. Either way, I was thinking about my birth control and the fact that I have never done any research on it. So I did and I don't think it's terrible.
So, from there I decided to look into some "natural" remedies on how to regulate things. For the most part diet and exercise was the most repeated piece of advice. I've known for awhile that I need to change how I eat and how I exercise. Over the summer I was exercising and eating relatively well but now I have formed terrible, terrible habits. I don't even want to talk about them. So, I have decided to finish this round of birth control, come up with a healthy meal plan and a good exercise regiment...
We'll see you things go. I guess I'll keep you updated.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
My time with the girls and I don't mean my boobs...
Forgot Summer was pregnant so when she walked out and I saw her belly I was rather surprised... then it all came back :)
Lillian found a tampon in my purse... she thought it was cool because it was pink.
the questions that followed....
-what is this?
-why is there an "r" on it?
-what does it do?
-can you should me how it works later?
Watched the barbie channel on tv... the theme song was "it's sparkle time"
Lou loved it.
Braided hair.. had my hair brushed.
ate gumballs.
played duck duck goose.
played hide and seek... yes I did have the best hiding spot ever.
Olivia is the worst to hide with. She talks and tries to whistle the entire time.
Made lunch.
Put girls to bed.
Explained to Olivia what an apple core was... I'm getting better at explaining things.
Ollie thought the seeds were chocolate :)
listened to more barbie theme songs.
wiped snot... I actually thought I would esape it... yes I did.
tried to watch "cloudy with a chance of meatballs" but decided that while the girls where captivated I could clean the kitchen and finish laundry...
after that I found a WW2 movie I'm totally watching once the girls go to bed.. I'll let you know how that goes.
Speaking of I just finished a book called Sarah's Key... you should check it out.
Olivia still has a mullet... has for about a year and a half...
Yes I am just writing things and then leaving my computer and writing again when I think of something.
I prefer to write in lists anyways.
3 very picky girls love turkey sausage... I've never seen them eat something with such vigor.
Olivia loves frozen sweet peas. Then again she's always eaten frozen vegetables.
Olivia called me "My Halie"
Also when she heard I was coming apparently the first thing she said was "My Halie I hold you."
Clean up after dinner does not go that well.
Olivia just informed me she needs to hold me.
Watched some veggie tales.
brushed teeth.
put the girls to bed.
sang twinkle twinkle little star to ollie and izzie.
went to lou's room, read Princess Peepers... rather good book.
tried to pull out her tooth.. she wanted me to but wouldn't move her hand
spent the next 45 minutes singing twinkle twinkle little star, still trying to get that tooth and just talking.
finally I left Lillian's room and went to watch Defiance.
Right as I started it Summer and Bill got home... lame.
Drove home. Met Grace at Hunter's Pub.
The End.
Lillian found a tampon in my purse... she thought it was cool because it was pink.
the questions that followed....
-what is this?
-why is there an "r" on it?
-what does it do?
-can you should me how it works later?
Watched the barbie channel on tv... the theme song was "it's sparkle time"
Lou loved it.
Braided hair.. had my hair brushed.
ate gumballs.
played duck duck goose.
played hide and seek... yes I did have the best hiding spot ever.
Olivia is the worst to hide with. She talks and tries to whistle the entire time.
Made lunch.
Put girls to bed.
Explained to Olivia what an apple core was... I'm getting better at explaining things.
Ollie thought the seeds were chocolate :)
listened to more barbie theme songs.
wiped snot... I actually thought I would esape it... yes I did.
tried to watch "cloudy with a chance of meatballs" but decided that while the girls where captivated I could clean the kitchen and finish laundry...
after that I found a WW2 movie I'm totally watching once the girls go to bed.. I'll let you know how that goes.
Speaking of I just finished a book called Sarah's Key... you should check it out.
Olivia still has a mullet... has for about a year and a half...
Yes I am just writing things and then leaving my computer and writing again when I think of something.
I prefer to write in lists anyways.
3 very picky girls love turkey sausage... I've never seen them eat something with such vigor.
Olivia loves frozen sweet peas. Then again she's always eaten frozen vegetables.
Olivia called me "My Halie"
Also when she heard I was coming apparently the first thing she said was "My Halie I hold you."
Clean up after dinner does not go that well.
Olivia just informed me she needs to hold me.
Watched some veggie tales.
brushed teeth.
put the girls to bed.
sang twinkle twinkle little star to ollie and izzie.
went to lou's room, read Princess Peepers... rather good book.
tried to pull out her tooth.. she wanted me to but wouldn't move her hand
spent the next 45 minutes singing twinkle twinkle little star, still trying to get that tooth and just talking.
finally I left Lillian's room and went to watch Defiance.
Right as I started it Summer and Bill got home... lame.
Drove home. Met Grace at Hunter's Pub.
The End.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Watchmen.
So... normally scary or gory movies don't bother me but last night I watched Watchmen. None of us had seen it but knew that it was based on a comic book. Either way, it didn't start out that bad but got worse and worse. It was so dark. I don't know why didn't turn it off... I think we were just trying to figure it out.
I went to bed with, maybe, 5 minutes left in the movie and I tried to shake off everything I had just seen but really couldn't. I woke up at 2:43am from a terrible dream... In the dream a little boy and I were trying to get away from a murderer along with some other people, the place looked like a concentration camp. I remember specifically this little boy and I hiding behind a little shed. We weren't running or in a hurry. We just got behind the shed, I laid down and closed my eyes. We were kind of up on a hill. So this older boy comes by and grabs the little boy next to me. I can feel every movement. The older boys take the younger one in his lap and is saying "look at the beautiful landscape, just look." The little one is crying he knows the older boy is about to slit his throat. I do too. So I wake up. I immediately start praying and I'm trying to decide who I can crawl into bed with. Amy's bed is to small and I won't sleep well. Maggie lets Willough sleep with her so again.. not enough room. I decide to stay in my bed. But I can't just go back to sleep and even though I have whatever verses I can think of running through my mind I still can't shake this terrible, gross feeling I have. So, I turn on my light, flip open my bible and read Isaiah 2. I wasn't really looking for anything to profound or amazing just wanted/needed His words... to see them. So, I read through it and decide to try to lay back down and pray a little calmer this time. As I was praying God revealed to me or had enough grace to let me understand that He is the one that will always be the one to comfort me or give me peace (Yahweh Shalom). Crawling into bed with a roommate or having someone in bed with me wouldn't take away the fear or give me a peace of mind. This is one of those things I've always "known" or told myself or read in a book but God finally told me himself and allowed it to sink into my heart.
Lately, I've really been struggling with several things but one of the biggest is truly believing that God will provide for me or be there. Then one day I was thinking and I didn't understand why God wouldn't provide. He always has... He's never, never let me down. So, if He says He's going to provide then He will also comfort me... regardless. I don't exactly see God at work in my life right now or feel God right now... but lately that hasn't stopped me from believing His truths. Maybe, that's because His truths are all I have left right now or I'm just tired of believing lies... Either way... just wanted to share all that with you.
It was nice talking to you.
I went to bed with, maybe, 5 minutes left in the movie and I tried to shake off everything I had just seen but really couldn't. I woke up at 2:43am from a terrible dream... In the dream a little boy and I were trying to get away from a murderer along with some other people, the place looked like a concentration camp. I remember specifically this little boy and I hiding behind a little shed. We weren't running or in a hurry. We just got behind the shed, I laid down and closed my eyes. We were kind of up on a hill. So this older boy comes by and grabs the little boy next to me. I can feel every movement. The older boys take the younger one in his lap and is saying "look at the beautiful landscape, just look." The little one is crying he knows the older boy is about to slit his throat. I do too. So I wake up. I immediately start praying and I'm trying to decide who I can crawl into bed with. Amy's bed is to small and I won't sleep well. Maggie lets Willough sleep with her so again.. not enough room. I decide to stay in my bed. But I can't just go back to sleep and even though I have whatever verses I can think of running through my mind I still can't shake this terrible, gross feeling I have. So, I turn on my light, flip open my bible and read Isaiah 2. I wasn't really looking for anything to profound or amazing just wanted/needed His words... to see them. So, I read through it and decide to try to lay back down and pray a little calmer this time. As I was praying God revealed to me or had enough grace to let me understand that He is the one that will always be the one to comfort me or give me peace (Yahweh Shalom). Crawling into bed with a roommate or having someone in bed with me wouldn't take away the fear or give me a peace of mind. This is one of those things I've always "known" or told myself or read in a book but God finally told me himself and allowed it to sink into my heart.
Lately, I've really been struggling with several things but one of the biggest is truly believing that God will provide for me or be there. Then one day I was thinking and I didn't understand why God wouldn't provide. He always has... He's never, never let me down. So, if He says He's going to provide then He will also comfort me... regardless. I don't exactly see God at work in my life right now or feel God right now... but lately that hasn't stopped me from believing His truths. Maybe, that's because His truths are all I have left right now or I'm just tired of believing lies... Either way... just wanted to share all that with you.
It was nice talking to you.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Phillipians.
I was reading in Phillipians today and came across this verse...
Phil 2:8
And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.
Phil 2:8
And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.
Friday, January 28, 2011
wanted to take some time...
to remember some of my favorites...
-sitting outside with friends around a fire
-sitting on the porch with friends
-sitting on the porch reading my bible
-going for a long run and getting completely soaked in sweat
-praying with people
-being outside
Sometimes I forget what I like. I think I get so caught up in what's next that I often forget my favorites.
I was going to meet up with some new friends at a bar on campus and I mean I'm fine with that but then I had this fleeting thought of summer time and the porch. I then began to think of the feelings I had during those times and well... going to a bar on campus just doesn't give you that same relaxed feel.
I've never longed for summer time the way I have this winter.
How can winter be so beautiful but so depressing?
-sitting outside with friends around a fire
-sitting on the porch with friends
-sitting on the porch reading my bible
-going for a long run and getting completely soaked in sweat
-praying with people
-being outside
Sometimes I forget what I like. I think I get so caught up in what's next that I often forget my favorites.
I was going to meet up with some new friends at a bar on campus and I mean I'm fine with that but then I had this fleeting thought of summer time and the porch. I then began to think of the feelings I had during those times and well... going to a bar on campus just doesn't give you that same relaxed feel.
I've never longed for summer time the way I have this winter.
How can winter be so beautiful but so depressing?
My week in a nutshell.
Wiped snotty, snotty noses.
Said "Please Stop" at least five thousand times.
Wiped more snot.
Played with plastic food.
Picked up plastic food.
Went to PIT.
Fed Lauren more food than was available.
Wiped more snot.
Wiped even more snot.
Snuggled with Grayson... when he wasn't yelling "NO" at me.
Changed some diapers.
Wiped more snot.
Welp.. it was nice talking to you.
Monday, January 17, 2011
I like a good book.
I can devour a good book in a day or two (or longer)... depending on the size and how busy I am. Either way, I was reading a book by Beth Moore and I started it a long time ago and then put it down and just recently picked it up again. She definitely has some good things to say but as I was getting towards the end I was just getting bored. So I started to skim to the end. I realized I needed something with depth not another "Jesus loves you accept yourself for who you are book" ... although those are important things... I just wanted something to chew on.
So, I picked up A.W. Tozer's "The Pursuit of God."
Nothing more needs to be said.
Except that this is the second time I've read it and I'm still not bored with it.
So, I picked up A.W. Tozer's "The Pursuit of God."
Nothing more needs to be said.
Except that this is the second time I've read it and I'm still not bored with it.
Work is always different without Sara.
Sara and Lauren left for Florida yesterday.
For some reason I thought things would be normal :)
When I got here no one was awake. Drew comes out in his pajamas to inform me that everyone went to bed at 11pm... except Grayson.
So, Drew goes back to bed.
Grayson wakes up.
We go downstairs to have breakfast.
As we are sitting at the table Hudson walks out fully clothed.
I think to myself "Oh good he went to bed late but managed to wake up early AND get dressed"
Then I look at his shirt. One side is orange from the cheetos he had eaten the night before and the other side had a pop stain extending from his shoulder down to the middle of his stomach.
When I asked him what he was wearing he told me that he had slept in the clothes he wore yesterday.
I also realized that he had ventured from his parents bedroom, not his own.
He then took off with his DS to his room.
I kind of brushed off the encounter and made my way into the living room only to find a bowl that once had cheetos in it, a pillow that belong upstairs and some other odd things.
After a quick pick up I decided to start on the kitchen.
Drew eventually emerged to explain all the nights events.
They were watching some show that lasted until 11. So Hunter decided to that they should have a slumber party. Drew didn't see Hudson escape into his room fully clothed... and it was to late to clean anything up.
I know they didn't leave the mess with the intention of me cleaning it up... it's just what happens when you leave 1 man and 3 boys at home alone :)
For some reason I thought things would be normal :)
When I got here no one was awake. Drew comes out in his pajamas to inform me that everyone went to bed at 11pm... except Grayson.
So, Drew goes back to bed.
Grayson wakes up.
We go downstairs to have breakfast.
As we are sitting at the table Hudson walks out fully clothed.
I think to myself "Oh good he went to bed late but managed to wake up early AND get dressed"
Then I look at his shirt. One side is orange from the cheetos he had eaten the night before and the other side had a pop stain extending from his shoulder down to the middle of his stomach.
When I asked him what he was wearing he told me that he had slept in the clothes he wore yesterday.
I also realized that he had ventured from his parents bedroom, not his own.
He then took off with his DS to his room.
I kind of brushed off the encounter and made my way into the living room only to find a bowl that once had cheetos in it, a pillow that belong upstairs and some other odd things.
After a quick pick up I decided to start on the kitchen.
Drew eventually emerged to explain all the nights events.
They were watching some show that lasted until 11. So Hunter decided to that they should have a slumber party. Drew didn't see Hudson escape into his room fully clothed... and it was to late to clean anything up.
I know they didn't leave the mess with the intention of me cleaning it up... it's just what happens when you leave 1 man and 3 boys at home alone :)
Saturday, January 15, 2011
My conclusion...
Okay. So after a minor freak out and a long drive I have come to the conclusion that a lot can happen in 4 months... don't get me wrong.... nothing could happen as well. I'm just trying to stay positive here and not give myself a migraine.
There is a verse that says "Commit your way to the Lord. Trust in Him and He will act." (psalm 37:5)
So... if I commit this to him and trust... He will act??
Something will happen.. right?
Yeah...
That's right.
I'm definitely going to continue to freak out these next couple of months.
Awesome.
There is a verse that says "Commit your way to the Lord. Trust in Him and He will act." (psalm 37:5)
So... if I commit this to him and trust... He will act??
Something will happen.. right?
Yeah...
That's right.
I'm definitely going to continue to freak out these next couple of months.
Awesome.
Yes I'm stressed out.
In a couple of months I will be moving to Indy.
Where will I live?
Where will I work?
How will the bills get paid?
Church?
Friends?
Breathing?
Will I have a roommate?
Will I be able to eat?
Do I have to pay for parking?
Am I going to have time to go back to college?
I have to go back...
Breath?
Help.
Where will I live?
Where will I work?
How will the bills get paid?
Church?
Friends?
Breathing?
Will I have a roommate?
Will I be able to eat?
Do I have to pay for parking?
Am I going to have time to go back to college?
I have to go back...
Breath?
Help.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Water for Elephants.
Great book. You must read it.
On another note.
The babies just woke up from a nap so I'm sitting at the table with one on either side of me, listening to them smack their little lips and every now and then bang their sippy cups in satisfaction.
Here's the baffling part. Gray starts off with cereal and some granola. I have granola and yogurt. Lin Yu has blueberry puffs and a granola bar. Gray asks for pretzels but I tell him he has to finish his cereal first. So he quickly takes several bites then hands me the bowl and before I know it Gray has my yogurt and Lin Yu and I are finishing his cereal...
Sense when is it okay to eat after a 2 year old??
Not sure what happened this last year.
I don't remember ever voluntarily eating after a kid.
I also don't remember when yelling "You must bring home you math homework!!", as the older kids run to the morning bus, became a daily saying.
Or how I'm able to carry on a full conversation with someone while Grayson is at my feet screaming and kicking and act as if that's not happening.
What's happened to me?
It was nice talking to you.
On another note.
The babies just woke up from a nap so I'm sitting at the table with one on either side of me, listening to them smack their little lips and every now and then bang their sippy cups in satisfaction.
Here's the baffling part. Gray starts off with cereal and some granola. I have granola and yogurt. Lin Yu has blueberry puffs and a granola bar. Gray asks for pretzels but I tell him he has to finish his cereal first. So he quickly takes several bites then hands me the bowl and before I know it Gray has my yogurt and Lin Yu and I are finishing his cereal...
Sense when is it okay to eat after a 2 year old??
Not sure what happened this last year.
I don't remember ever voluntarily eating after a kid.
I also don't remember when yelling "You must bring home you math homework!!", as the older kids run to the morning bus, became a daily saying.
Or how I'm able to carry on a full conversation with someone while Grayson is at my feet screaming and kicking and act as if that's not happening.
What's happened to me?
It was nice talking to you.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
It's cold, cold today.
The new baby is fun... ish. She's pretty sassy and doesn't nap much longer than a hour and well... some days, like today, I need more than a hour by myself and she's not very quiet once she's awake which then in turn wakes up Gray, who is a complete monster when he doesn't get all the sleep he needs. I guess I'm a complete monster when I don't get much sleep. The biggest difference is that I can't run around kicking and screaming. I have to listen to the kicking and screaming and try to think clearly. Interesting.
More later. I have to keep this kid quiet so Gray can take a nap.
More later. I have to keep this kid quiet so Gray can take a nap.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
These are the days...
... sleepless night prevail, midol becomes candy, hormones threaten to shoot me through the roof at any given moment and my back feels as if someone is following behind me holding onto my lower spine...
Last night I laid in bed thinking of all kinds of things but I know at one point a verse in 2 Corinthians popped up. It has actually been popping up on a regular basis. I've actually maybe... slight confession... have neglected to read my bible or pray much during these holidays and well... we all know how that leaves us feeling... kind of stinky. I think things got a little out of wack when I was staying with the boys for those two weeks and when I came home I never really got back into a routine. I really just got into my bed and stayed there. Either way... the verse says...
'But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.'
Well... it was nice talking to you.
Last night I laid in bed thinking of all kinds of things but I know at one point a verse in 2 Corinthians popped up. It has actually been popping up on a regular basis. I've actually maybe... slight confession... have neglected to read my bible or pray much during these holidays and well... we all know how that leaves us feeling... kind of stinky. I think things got a little out of wack when I was staying with the boys for those two weeks and when I came home I never really got back into a routine. I really just got into my bed and stayed there. Either way... the verse says...
'But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.'
Well... it was nice talking to you.
Monday, January 3, 2011
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