Most days I'm overly tired and I just lay in bed only to wake up at 6am sharp.
But tonight I just can't sleep.
I have been reading through a book that is challenging to say the least but that's not what I want to talk about. I was reading this book however and while I am normally able to pay attention to the words I found myself wondering tonight.
I had a sudden breakdown yesterday. In the shower of all places. Either way, you know how God works regardless of where you are in life and regardless of how you feel and well regardless of everything?
Even when you're crying out "WHERE ARE YOU?WHERE ARE YOU?WHERE ARE YOU?"
And you can see His work in your life but there is no connection to it? He's foreign? Maybe you don't understand this but that's fine. It's a weird place to be.
God is so obviously working daily in my life. Providing for me, planning, working things out... and probably doing other things and I seem to be just along for the numb ride.
All this to get back to the fact that I decided to put my book down and talk to God about the fact that I'm scared of... well... Him.
Yesterday my breakdown started with a text from a guy and while I'll skip all that and get right to the point that I don't trust God to provide the right husband for me. I don't think God realizes that I need someone to reallyreallyreally treat me carefully and be gentle and kind but at the same time strong enough to break through these huge walls that I will put up unknowingly. I just don't think God knows how fragile I really am.
Ok. I know that God knows how fragile I am but I do my darndest to prove to Him and everyone else that I am a freaking rock that can handle anything.
I don't know how to handle everything that comes with my life and not try to be a rock. I don't see what good it'll do to sit and talk to people about it when in the end I'll still be the one that has to deal with my family.... I mean yes I sat there and talked to my friends about it and they know it's going on and maybe they're even praying about it but in the moment when it's happening?? Why is that the time that I have to be alone and then go home alone and try to deal with it in a healthy way? I mean yes I could come over and hang out and cry about it but again... you won't be coming home with me friend... I'll go home crawl into bed and still have to deal with it. Do you get what I'm saying? I'm not trying to be mean... I think my eyes need to be opened to some kind of truth here... I just don't know what it is...
Don't get me wrong... I know that Christ is there with me and He is my strength but how do you keep strong...maybe thats the wrong word... how do you keep hold of grace in the times that God seems foreign?
So lets just throw it out there that God is bringing up and making me deal with a lot of crap :)
I decided to put my book down and pick up my bible. I started to read Isaiah because I like Isaiah.
I come across Isaiah 50: 10-11 (NIV, emphasis added)
"Who among you fears the Lord
and obeys his servant?
If you are walking in darkness,
without a ray of light,
trust in the Lord
and rely on your God.
But watch out, you who live in your
own light and warm yourselves by your own fires.
This is the reward you will receive from me:
You will soon fall down in great torment."
Okay... so I read that and I think "Oh that's scary." And then I think.... "Wait... my instinct is I'm in darkness so I need to build a fire to get through this."
But God is saying trust me in the darkness.... and I'm saying "No... you put me in darkness and I'm defending myself. What's wrong with defending myself God?"
My thinking needs to change. I shouldn't be so quick to protect myself... not that that's something I can just quit doing. I've felt that I've had to do it for so long that it's basically second nature.
So... I read that verse and God shows me through this verse that He sends darkness and I don't trust Him but I take care of myself and I proudly turn to God and say "Hey! Look at this fire I built... it's great huh?" And He doesn't respond but I probably don't wait for His response and when the fire burns out and I can't get it going again I try running... far and fast. I have to find God if I just keep running right?
God says in Is. 45:7
"I create the light and make the darkness.
I send good times and bad times.
I, the Lord, am the one who does these things."
Why am I trying to prove myself in the things that He makes and creates?
I think I really want to prove that I can do it and I'm constantly trying to reverse the lies and memories I was given by the people that were supposed to.... provide, protect and love me.
They do love me but dang I did not realize that the scars ran this freaking deep.
I keep thinking to myself "Shouldn't I be over this by now??" I guess there is more to deal with... that's fine. I don't think I have a choice but to deal with it :)
He also says in Is. 14:24
"It will happen as I have planned.
It will be as I have decided."
So... As Pastor Whipple told me. God gave me the parents (and family) I have for a reason. He planned it and He knew what He was doing. Also... just the life I have in general, all the pain, all the happiness, everything... He planned and it will be as He decides.
I feel like I covered a lot but... that's fine.
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