Verse.

Romans 5:3-5
 More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Justification vs Sanctification

Justification is being declared righteous.

Sanctification is being made righteous -- being conformed to the image of Christ.

Justification is our position before God.

Sanctification is our practice. You don't practice justification, it happens once for all, upon conversion (Rms. 3:26)

Justification is objective -- Christ's work for us.

Sanctification is subjective -- Christ's work within us.

Justification is immediate and complete upon conversion. You will never be more justified than you are the first moment you trust in the Person and finished work of Christ.

Sanctification is a process. You will be more sanctified as you continue in grace-motivated obedience. 

From CJ Mahaney's "Cross Centered Life"

Living a life of legalism.

So, yesterday I think it was shown to me how I've lived a life devoted to legalism. I don't know what to say past that because of course that is not the life Christ calls us to live for Him but when it's what you've done for so long the thought of changing is... scary, to say the least. I love God though and want to change and be free of this. Seriously think of how binding legalism is? Everything has to change. How I approach things, how I think, how I walk, talk, breathe, everything.
Huh.
Nice talk.

When you run out of little spoons use a big spoon.

Last night as I was laying in bed thinking back on life. I actually wasn't trying to think back it just accidentally happened and no worries I quickly pushed the thoughts from my head. Sometimes I'm pretty sure I just can't handle the past or I might quickly suffocate. Seriously a shortness of breath and a panic attack usually quickly follow when I think back on my life. I pushed the thoughts aside with the intention of dealing with it today. So here I am... processing and beginning to deal. I know I haven't accepted my past and I actually remember reading a book by an old monk and he said "Either accept your past or live in despair.." (there was more than that but that line hit me the hardest) 

It's funny to me how after I read something like that I think "Dang, I need to get my sh** together" but I again and again choose despair. 

So, after writing that and I decided to look up the word despair in the back on my bible which brought me to the verse that says "We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair."

Definition of despair: a state in which all hope is lost or absent

Definition of perplexed: full of difficulty or confusion or bewilderment

So, I guess I could say sometimes I'm in a state of despair but most of the time I'm perplexed. So, it's not so much that I'm choosing despair, although it could get to that point, I'm just not choosing to let Christ pull me out of this or to just let this season go on for as long as it should and just praise Christ for every breath He allows me.  

I went to Purdue when I was 18. Moved out of my parents house while they were at work and into the dorms. Sure that I didn't need anyone or anything. I'd provided for myself for so long it didn't matter to me if anyone was there to help me onto the biggest adventure of my life. That's how I continued to think for the next couple of years. The only problem was... I actually wanted someone to be there. The only problem... if you let someone there, they might let you down. So, it's better to do it by yourself and let the empty feeling take over. Right? Right. Once classes started I was the best student. Went to every class, did all my homework except for that one worksheet that I thought was due on Thursday but it's actually due right now! My first slip up in college sends me into a downward spiral of craziness. Maybe not craziness but I wanted college to be different than high school and it just wasn't. I still didn't have the discipline to go to every class or to be perfect basically. I have big expectations for everything in my life and if those things aren't met by me... not by anyone else... I feel nothing less than failure. So, when I decided to drop out last fall I quickly told myself 'this is only temporary and I'll be back in school in no time, I just ran out of money. ' The truth of the situation, which has been sitting in the back of my brain for awhile now, I couldn't handle the stress of school. Every year I didn't know if I had the money to pay for it and if I did it was scraped together the last second. The thought of paying back student loans gave me a panic attack. The worst part? I was dealing with it all by myself. I told some people what was going on but I've never really let someone in all the way or continued to tell people I was fine. I still do this on a daily basis. I tell people constantly what I wish was the truth. But honestly I look at my life and I think how did I get here. Where is God? Not like can't find Him but where have I put Him? Which I always put Him to the side or at least I think I do. Right now I was Christ completely at the center. I guess that would mean looking at my past and seeing my failures as ways to learn and also as sin (a lot of my past was straight up disobedience to Christ) and repenting of that sin and allowing myself to actually face my past with a determination to change my future (huh.. that sounded like a good bumper sticker) 

It's all pretty easy to say but I know the truth for this thing called life remains at the Cross and you can't really take it away from the cross you just have to keep looking at it... 

I'm sure a lot of this was all over the place but seriously I'm just processing and thinking.

It was nice talking to you though.

It's been awhile :)

Life is... funny, different... so many words to try to explain that. Maybe I should not have started off in such a way :)

Anyways, it's been awhile since I was here last. Not completely sure where to start or what to say... (oh.. that's Grayson and I, we made a tower out of legos.)

Ummm... my stomach is terribly messed up today. I feel as if I ate a giant cheese burger from greasy king (if only there were such a place!) but I did not eat a giant cheese burger from greasy king. Quite the opposite... I had a bowl of Honey Comb cereal. Okay maybe not the complete opposite, I could have had something much healthier but I eat a healthy breakfast like every morning so some days I just can't resist a good bowl of (sugary) cereal.
I'm listening to a song right now that makes me wish it was snowing. Don't get me wrong, I'm loving the fall right now but it's funny how songs take you back to when you first heard them.
I think I'm going to start working out at a gym. I have to do something. I love running outside but I'm not always motivated. I want to swim. That's my favorite.
Well, I think I'm going to go read a book while Grayson is sleeping. But you have a good day.
It was nice talking to you!