Is always believing that I must deal with things alone. It's a lie I have believed and learned to live with for many, many years. The honest truth is I (we) do not deal with life alone.
I was reading in my last post about how things will happen and then I might talk about them with friends but when it comes down to it I'm still alone right?
Well... technically yes I am physically alone in dealing with family, friends and other crap but truthfully and in Christ I am not alone. So yes it might be a little physically lonely BUT I can still be thankful that I have friends to pray with and that are praying for me and friends that I can trust to lead me towards Christ. That is such a blessing that many people do not have.
I wanted to write this because I finally see it... I'm not alone and I have people that will stick out this thing called life with me.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Friday, July 29, 2011
Sleep doesn't come easily these days...
Most days I'm overly tired and I just lay in bed only to wake up at 6am sharp.
But tonight I just can't sleep.
I have been reading through a book that is challenging to say the least but that's not what I want to talk about. I was reading this book however and while I am normally able to pay attention to the words I found myself wondering tonight.
I had a sudden breakdown yesterday. In the shower of all places. Either way, you know how God works regardless of where you are in life and regardless of how you feel and well regardless of everything?
Even when you're crying out "WHERE ARE YOU?WHERE ARE YOU?WHERE ARE YOU?"
And you can see His work in your life but there is no connection to it? He's foreign? Maybe you don't understand this but that's fine. It's a weird place to be.
God is so obviously working daily in my life. Providing for me, planning, working things out... and probably doing other things and I seem to be just along for the numb ride.
All this to get back to the fact that I decided to put my book down and talk to God about the fact that I'm scared of... well... Him.
Yesterday my breakdown started with a text from a guy and while I'll skip all that and get right to the point that I don't trust God to provide the right husband for me. I don't think God realizes that I need someone to reallyreallyreally treat me carefully and be gentle and kind but at the same time strong enough to break through these huge walls that I will put up unknowingly. I just don't think God knows how fragile I really am.
Ok. I know that God knows how fragile I am but I do my darndest to prove to Him and everyone else that I am a freaking rock that can handle anything.
I don't know how to handle everything that comes with my life and not try to be a rock. I don't see what good it'll do to sit and talk to people about it when in the end I'll still be the one that has to deal with my family.... I mean yes I sat there and talked to my friends about it and they know it's going on and maybe they're even praying about it but in the moment when it's happening?? Why is that the time that I have to be alone and then go home alone and try to deal with it in a healthy way? I mean yes I could come over and hang out and cry about it but again... you won't be coming home with me friend... I'll go home crawl into bed and still have to deal with it. Do you get what I'm saying? I'm not trying to be mean... I think my eyes need to be opened to some kind of truth here... I just don't know what it is...
Don't get me wrong... I know that Christ is there with me and He is my strength but how do you keep strong...maybe thats the wrong word... how do you keep hold of grace in the times that God seems foreign?
So lets just throw it out there that God is bringing up and making me deal with a lot of crap :)
I decided to put my book down and pick up my bible. I started to read Isaiah because I like Isaiah.
I come across Isaiah 50: 10-11 (NIV, emphasis added)
"Who among you fears the Lord
and obeys his servant?
If you are walking in darkness,
without a ray of light,
trust in the Lord
and rely on your God.
But watch out, you who live in your
own light and warm yourselves by your own fires.
This is the reward you will receive from me:
You will soon fall down in great torment."
Okay... so I read that and I think "Oh that's scary." And then I think.... "Wait... my instinct is I'm in darkness so I need to build a fire to get through this."
But God is saying trust me in the darkness.... and I'm saying "No... you put me in darkness and I'm defending myself. What's wrong with defending myself God?"
My thinking needs to change. I shouldn't be so quick to protect myself... not that that's something I can just quit doing. I've felt that I've had to do it for so long that it's basically second nature.
So... I read that verse and God shows me through this verse that He sends darkness and I don't trust Him but I take care of myself and I proudly turn to God and say "Hey! Look at this fire I built... it's great huh?" And He doesn't respond but I probably don't wait for His response and when the fire burns out and I can't get it going again I try running... far and fast. I have to find God if I just keep running right?
God says in Is. 45:7
"I create the light and make the darkness.
I send good times and bad times.
I, the Lord, am the one who does these things."
Why am I trying to prove myself in the things that He makes and creates?
I think I really want to prove that I can do it and I'm constantly trying to reverse the lies and memories I was given by the people that were supposed to.... provide, protect and love me.
They do love me but dang I did not realize that the scars ran this freaking deep.
I keep thinking to myself "Shouldn't I be over this by now??" I guess there is more to deal with... that's fine. I don't think I have a choice but to deal with it :)
He also says in Is. 14:24
"It will happen as I have planned.
It will be as I have decided."
So... As Pastor Whipple told me. God gave me the parents (and family) I have for a reason. He planned it and He knew what He was doing. Also... just the life I have in general, all the pain, all the happiness, everything... He planned and it will be as He decides.
I feel like I covered a lot but... that's fine.
But tonight I just can't sleep.
I have been reading through a book that is challenging to say the least but that's not what I want to talk about. I was reading this book however and while I am normally able to pay attention to the words I found myself wondering tonight.
I had a sudden breakdown yesterday. In the shower of all places. Either way, you know how God works regardless of where you are in life and regardless of how you feel and well regardless of everything?
Even when you're crying out "WHERE ARE YOU?WHERE ARE YOU?WHERE ARE YOU?"
And you can see His work in your life but there is no connection to it? He's foreign? Maybe you don't understand this but that's fine. It's a weird place to be.
God is so obviously working daily in my life. Providing for me, planning, working things out... and probably doing other things and I seem to be just along for the numb ride.
All this to get back to the fact that I decided to put my book down and talk to God about the fact that I'm scared of... well... Him.
Yesterday my breakdown started with a text from a guy and while I'll skip all that and get right to the point that I don't trust God to provide the right husband for me. I don't think God realizes that I need someone to reallyreallyreally treat me carefully and be gentle and kind but at the same time strong enough to break through these huge walls that I will put up unknowingly. I just don't think God knows how fragile I really am.
Ok. I know that God knows how fragile I am but I do my darndest to prove to Him and everyone else that I am a freaking rock that can handle anything.
I don't know how to handle everything that comes with my life and not try to be a rock. I don't see what good it'll do to sit and talk to people about it when in the end I'll still be the one that has to deal with my family.... I mean yes I sat there and talked to my friends about it and they know it's going on and maybe they're even praying about it but in the moment when it's happening?? Why is that the time that I have to be alone and then go home alone and try to deal with it in a healthy way? I mean yes I could come over and hang out and cry about it but again... you won't be coming home with me friend... I'll go home crawl into bed and still have to deal with it. Do you get what I'm saying? I'm not trying to be mean... I think my eyes need to be opened to some kind of truth here... I just don't know what it is...
Don't get me wrong... I know that Christ is there with me and He is my strength but how do you keep strong...maybe thats the wrong word... how do you keep hold of grace in the times that God seems foreign?
So lets just throw it out there that God is bringing up and making me deal with a lot of crap :)
I decided to put my book down and pick up my bible. I started to read Isaiah because I like Isaiah.
I come across Isaiah 50: 10-11 (NIV, emphasis added)
"Who among you fears the Lord
and obeys his servant?
If you are walking in darkness,
without a ray of light,
trust in the Lord
and rely on your God.
But watch out, you who live in your
own light and warm yourselves by your own fires.
This is the reward you will receive from me:
You will soon fall down in great torment."
Okay... so I read that and I think "Oh that's scary." And then I think.... "Wait... my instinct is I'm in darkness so I need to build a fire to get through this."
But God is saying trust me in the darkness.... and I'm saying "No... you put me in darkness and I'm defending myself. What's wrong with defending myself God?"
My thinking needs to change. I shouldn't be so quick to protect myself... not that that's something I can just quit doing. I've felt that I've had to do it for so long that it's basically second nature.
So... I read that verse and God shows me through this verse that He sends darkness and I don't trust Him but I take care of myself and I proudly turn to God and say "Hey! Look at this fire I built... it's great huh?" And He doesn't respond but I probably don't wait for His response and when the fire burns out and I can't get it going again I try running... far and fast. I have to find God if I just keep running right?
God says in Is. 45:7
"I create the light and make the darkness.
I send good times and bad times.
I, the Lord, am the one who does these things."
Why am I trying to prove myself in the things that He makes and creates?
I think I really want to prove that I can do it and I'm constantly trying to reverse the lies and memories I was given by the people that were supposed to.... provide, protect and love me.
They do love me but dang I did not realize that the scars ran this freaking deep.
I keep thinking to myself "Shouldn't I be over this by now??" I guess there is more to deal with... that's fine. I don't think I have a choice but to deal with it :)
He also says in Is. 14:24
"It will happen as I have planned.
It will be as I have decided."
So... As Pastor Whipple told me. God gave me the parents (and family) I have for a reason. He planned it and He knew what He was doing. Also... just the life I have in general, all the pain, all the happiness, everything... He planned and it will be as He decides.
I feel like I covered a lot but... that's fine.
Everyday...
So one of the best parts of going to work are the back roads I take to get there. Small, 35 MPH speed limit, run down back roads. I had today off so I did things around the house, went to the grocery (forgot toilet paper... sucks) and watched Eliza for awhile. It was great. I tried to stay away from the barn because I'm there a lot and I need to make sure I'm not around the barn on my days off... there is no need to get run down and burnt out. The only problem... all day I kept thinking "I should go ride. No I need to stay away from the barn... but maybe I'll just go for a drive down those roads. No because then I'll go to the barn and I need to take my day off from the barn. But I want to see Jack and just kiss his nose. No.. okay time for the pep-talk.... Halie. You have to stay away from the barn. You are there way to much already and yes you love it but you have filing, dishes, LAUNDRY, and trash to take out so go home. Jack will be there in the morning and you have to be there all day anyways... so freaking go home."
So I didn't go to the barn today. Which is good because I will be there all day tomorrow and most of the day on Sunday.
So I didn't go to the barn today. Which is good because I will be there all day tomorrow and most of the day on Sunday.
Monday, July 11, 2011
I've decided to not do laundry and just buy underwear.
It's true.
Regardless... I went for a great ride this morning. We have this horse at the barn who's name is Jack and well.. I didn't love him at first. He's old and he acts old BUT he has great muscle. He's an old ranch horse :)
He's pretty. Not scared of much and has a great western trot :) Good canter to much he's just nice and slow. Gives you time to look at the scenery. Hannah I write most of this for you :) Either way, took him on a nice long trail ride the other day and decided I needed to take him out for myself today and just ride him. So I saddled him up and took him out to the track. First thing I learned... I needed to take the saddle off :) I hate riding with saddles but the executive director was at the barn and I wasn't sure how she would feel about me working a horse without a saddle. Not everyone at this barn rides the way I do... which is fine. They ride English I ride with no saddle. So... I took the saddle off. Now everything feels right. He goes into a beautiful trot then into a beautiful canter and we just ride and sweat and work for a good 10 or 15 minutes. Not to long. This old man hasn't been worked like this in while and well... neither have I. So we walk around the track for awhile (this barn used to breed and train throughbred races horses so this is a nice mile long track)... go back grab the saddle and head back to the barn. We were both dripping sweat. I'm sure he's never been happier to see the barn. The poor boy is such a ranch horse. He did not like being out the riding by himself even though he listened really well and did not eat while we were working I could just tell that he was like "I'M RETIRED AND IT'S HOT. FREAKIN' TAKE ME BACK" So, I'm going to continue taking him out and riding him and just getting him used to his new life here. He hasn't been worked much since he left the ranch so I think he's also got kind of lazy. He's just the most perfect old, want to go on a nice trail ride with a sound horse, horse :) He's sweet but not to attached or needy. He's a good "project" horse that doesn't really need to learn anything he just needs to be worked... and stretched. The old man has arthritis.
Well... that's all. Have a good hot day.
Regardless... I went for a great ride this morning. We have this horse at the barn who's name is Jack and well.. I didn't love him at first. He's old and he acts old BUT he has great muscle. He's an old ranch horse :)
He's pretty. Not scared of much and has a great western trot :) Good canter to much he's just nice and slow. Gives you time to look at the scenery. Hannah I write most of this for you :) Either way, took him on a nice long trail ride the other day and decided I needed to take him out for myself today and just ride him. So I saddled him up and took him out to the track. First thing I learned... I needed to take the saddle off :) I hate riding with saddles but the executive director was at the barn and I wasn't sure how she would feel about me working a horse without a saddle. Not everyone at this barn rides the way I do... which is fine. They ride English I ride with no saddle. So... I took the saddle off. Now everything feels right. He goes into a beautiful trot then into a beautiful canter and we just ride and sweat and work for a good 10 or 15 minutes. Not to long. This old man hasn't been worked like this in while and well... neither have I. So we walk around the track for awhile (this barn used to breed and train throughbred races horses so this is a nice mile long track)... go back grab the saddle and head back to the barn. We were both dripping sweat. I'm sure he's never been happier to see the barn. The poor boy is such a ranch horse. He did not like being out the riding by himself even though he listened really well and did not eat while we were working I could just tell that he was like "I'M RETIRED AND IT'S HOT. FREAKIN' TAKE ME BACK" So, I'm going to continue taking him out and riding him and just getting him used to his new life here. He hasn't been worked much since he left the ranch so I think he's also got kind of lazy. He's just the most perfect old, want to go on a nice trail ride with a sound horse, horse :) He's sweet but not to attached or needy. He's a good "project" horse that doesn't really need to learn anything he just needs to be worked... and stretched. The old man has arthritis.
Well... that's all. Have a good hot day.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Going to church.
I went to Traders Point Christian Church today.
It was huge.
The head pastor was gone but their age-level pastor (I don't know what age-level means) spoke today.
I enjoyed what he had to say. He held my attention the entire time and I walked away with stuff to chew on. So... I've decided to give it a couple of weeks and try to get involved there and see what happens. Did I meantion it's huge? Well... it is. So... I don't quite know how I'm going to get connected but I'll try a couple of things out.
I'm really happy I have the barn right now because even though I feel completely out of place everywhere else when I'm at the barn and I'm able to go for a good ride... I feel confident and normal? yeah... normal is a good word... it's also nice to have Rebekah close. She makes me feel normal too... or at least relaxed.
It was huge.
The head pastor was gone but their age-level pastor (I don't know what age-level means) spoke today.
I enjoyed what he had to say. He held my attention the entire time and I walked away with stuff to chew on. So... I've decided to give it a couple of weeks and try to get involved there and see what happens. Did I meantion it's huge? Well... it is. So... I don't quite know how I'm going to get connected but I'll try a couple of things out.
I'm really happy I have the barn right now because even though I feel completely out of place everywhere else when I'm at the barn and I'm able to go for a good ride... I feel confident and normal? yeah... normal is a good word... it's also nice to have Rebekah close. She makes me feel normal too... or at least relaxed.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Sometimes when you live in a new place you have to do new things.
Like laundry.
How is laundry new?
Let me tell you... first you have to go the main apartment building and load up your laundry card (my fancy apartment complex has these)... make sure you have your laundry basket. After you're all loaded up walk into a door that doesn't open because you're sure that's where the laundry room is... next walk into the indoor tennis court because maybe it's across from there?? No it's definitely not... so you walk into the bathrooms as quickly as possible because people are watching you at this point. Go pee... because your nervous. After you pee look in the mirror try to remember with all your might where these laundry facilities could be..... okay you really don't remember. Suck it up and go back into the hallway. Run back into the bathroom. Think harder!! Do you need to pee again? No... that's just ridiculous. Okay... go back out. Ask the nice, basically deaf lady at the desk where the laundry facilities are. She'll ask what building you're in. When you tell her she'll say "Come look at this map." So you do... you find your building on the map but nothing about laundry. Keep in mind you are still carrying your laundry around with you. Anyways... deaf lady will then say well do you know the direction of your building... yes you do because... well... you just came from there. So she'll take you to a window and ask which direction your building is in. When you point it out she'll say "Well you should be able to do it in that building over there where that car is turning (points to car turning but all you'll see is your apartment building... knowing that there is not a basement for you to do your laundry in)" So... you'll say "Thank you!" and kindly leave. Next drive around hoping to see a building that maybe has a laundry room but not sure what that looks like... so you'll decide to keep driving and just go home... nope changed your mind you don't want to go home because you don't have internet and you have things that HAVE to be done and you need the internet. So, you decided to go to the nearest Starbucks and use there internet.
And there you go. Laundry is not done but you are at Starbucks getting other things done. YAY... try again tomorrow.
How is laundry new?
Let me tell you... first you have to go the main apartment building and load up your laundry card (my fancy apartment complex has these)... make sure you have your laundry basket. After you're all loaded up walk into a door that doesn't open because you're sure that's where the laundry room is... next walk into the indoor tennis court because maybe it's across from there?? No it's definitely not... so you walk into the bathrooms as quickly as possible because people are watching you at this point. Go pee... because your nervous. After you pee look in the mirror try to remember with all your might where these laundry facilities could be..... okay you really don't remember. Suck it up and go back into the hallway. Run back into the bathroom. Think harder!! Do you need to pee again? No... that's just ridiculous. Okay... go back out. Ask the nice, basically deaf lady at the desk where the laundry facilities are. She'll ask what building you're in. When you tell her she'll say "Come look at this map." So you do... you find your building on the map but nothing about laundry. Keep in mind you are still carrying your laundry around with you. Anyways... deaf lady will then say well do you know the direction of your building... yes you do because... well... you just came from there. So she'll take you to a window and ask which direction your building is in. When you point it out she'll say "Well you should be able to do it in that building over there where that car is turning (points to car turning but all you'll see is your apartment building... knowing that there is not a basement for you to do your laundry in)" So... you'll say "Thank you!" and kindly leave. Next drive around hoping to see a building that maybe has a laundry room but not sure what that looks like... so you'll decide to keep driving and just go home... nope changed your mind you don't want to go home because you don't have internet and you have things that HAVE to be done and you need the internet. So, you decided to go to the nearest Starbucks and use there internet.
And there you go. Laundry is not done but you are at Starbucks getting other things done. YAY... try again tomorrow.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Remember when...
Okay not only is that a name to a country song :) BUT I'm also asking you to remember when I first told you I was going to meet the family I would be nannying for?
Well… today is my last day with them. I feel like I should be sad but I'm not. It also has not hit me yet that last night was officially my last night in Lafayette. I feel like I've been saying, "I"m just ready to be in Indy and not so in between places," but now that I will actually be in Indy full time I can barely believe it.
Well… today is my last day with them. I feel like I should be sad but I'm not. It also has not hit me yet that last night was officially my last night in Lafayette. I feel like I've been saying, "I"m just ready to be in Indy and not so in between places," but now that I will actually be in Indy full time I can barely believe it.
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