Hi. So I'm going to try to get back into this. Mainly because I like writing stuff down but would like for it to all be in one place. Okay lets talk about whats been happening. I've been nannying for about 5 months now. I love it. I have a schedule and semi-normal life, having a baby with me 5 days a week is what makes it semi-normal :) Today he loves his tongue and to play with the dog while she tries to sleep, poor mama. Today I decided that if I wanted to go back to college I needed to start applying to colleges. So I did that, it was stressful.
Ummm...wondering where I am with Christ? Well, I realized I don't believe in His goodness. I know He's real but I ask Him on a daily, if not hourly, basis where He is because I don't know. I hate that He knows my future but has not intention of sharing it with me. I've also come to realize I care more about what people think of me than what He thinks of me. So, I've decided begun the process of letting Him become more important to me than my friends and family or anything else and I've found that process leading to much anger and confusion. Not that I need much clarity, really only trust and healing is needed right now. I know God's working right now or at least I would like to think He is, I just don't know where He is or how this is going to end... if ever. Either way I know I've made the choice to live for Him and I'm going to do that the best I can. I'm not going to quit this. So, things have changed my focus is definitely more on Him but along with that things have been revealed about my heart that aren't so good.
So much of my past and by that I mean the past 2 years I want to erase and get rid of. Not that I made bad choices but I just wish I would have acted differently to so many different situations that were put in my path but can't take back the past so now I learn how to let those things go and keep living. Something I'm not used to I guess. The past is just so humiliating and how do you let go of that?
I've been running a lot and that been nice. I like this weather. Well, not the weather today it's kind of raining but the humidity makes my hair curl well and I like that. I've also read some good books lately. Crime and Punishment, I would definitely recommend this book. Also, Practice the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence, one I would also recommend. Okay I'm going to go play ball with Gray.