Working Late.

The babies are asleep and Hunter is watching TV.
Sugar was put down today. She had cancer and wasn't doing to well. I was hoping they would wait until I left to put her down but it was definitely time. She was struggling. Either way it still is a bummer. This last week of work has been all kinds of emotional. I mean a lot has happened. Last night I went to my parents and I always know that when I go there it will either be kind of dramatic or really good :) So I went to spend the night because I'll be in Indy soon and know I won't be able to see them as much. Either way, my mom is really struggling with some stuff so it really felt like I was back in high school. Except… a little different because I'm not 15 anymore. Anyways, I haven't been to stressed out about everything. The only thing that makes me squirm is the thought of continuing to talk to people about this and being honest about what's going on. It's easy to text someone once and say "please be praying about this" but to continue to go to your friends and talk to them because that's the healthy thing to do… I'm not so sure about that. I realized that this is what needs to happen when a friend of mine was having a huge breakdown the other night and while she was crying she said "I didn't realize how emotionally screwed up I was until I had people to hold me while I cried and let me cry and then prayed with me about everything."
It was good to hear her say that. She has a great relationship with the Lord and always has.
Either way, I know I'm pretty emotionally messed up and I'm not saying I need to have the same experience she did. I realized though that she let her guard down and let herself show emotions and was allowed to then work through other things and was just able to feel. This is hard for me. I get awkward. I avoid it because I don't know what to say and no one really knows the situation or really understands it and I don't want someone to pity me or think badly of my parents. Well… okay… I actually don't know why I get so awkward about talking about it… I mean those are good excuses but also I think it's hard for me to be open and honest and then just let them love me. Being vulnerable usually leaves me feeling… scared and empty. Huh.
I have to go… the babies are tearing shit up… I can hear them.

I stepped on this this morning...

Books.

I've now changed the title of this blog 3 times and I'm sure I'll change it 5 more times before the end. I'm terrible at naming things. I always had my art teachers name my art works that went up in galleries because I never could. Anyways... I like to read. I think I've talked about this before but here we are again.

Last night as I was laying in bed (which is currently a mattress on the floor of the Davey girls room but a bed none the less better than just the floor, which I did sleep on one night...either way...) I saw a book with the title Passion and Purity. I usually LOVE to skim these books because they usually say the silliest things that give christian women silly hope. The author is Elisabeth Elliot and I haven't heard anything about her but she seems interesting. The book is still kind of silly but she does have some good things to say.... well actually what I really like is that incorporates the letters that people write to her. They ask about relationships, why this happened or blah blah. Okay here's where I drop the tough act and let you know that this book actually has smacked me in the face. It's kind of made me mad at times... the worst part?

It makes me mad because she talks about things that I've struggled with for years and is informing me that I messed up. Don't like that... maybe some more on that later. For now I just wanted to touch on 2 things that stuck out to me.

1) After sharing some of her journal entries, that were only scriptures, she pointed out that she didn't know what she was upset about but that it was "better to stick with what God was saying to me [scriptures] than what my heart was saying."(p52)

The next one I'll spend more time explaining later... also remember I'm just giving you a clip of the book.

2) A girl says to her "I'm not arguing theology and all that. All I'm thinking about is asking Al if he would want to go to chinese. Anything wrong with that?"

She responds with "Be careful. Don't put him in an indefinable position. Also... if you marry Al would you (or he?) be okay with the fact that you pursued him?"

[Still from the book] I would ask my challengers to reflect on the design of the Designer; to ask what it means; to test the way they treat the opposite sex with these questions: is it fitting? is it in accord with my best understanding of God's plan? What is it that brings God's man and God's woman near to each other with delicacy and grace?

"Well, how about if I just call and ask him what I can pray for for him this week?"

You have not yet understood.

I liked the last part.

I'll write more later.

Everytime we go outside...

Grayson says to me "We need to put on ice cream."
Me: "Do you mean sunscreen?"
Grayson: "ummm... yeah sunscreen."

Home Sick

I think I've talked about this before... but I guess we can talk about it again :)
Anyways... not many of my friends are from the country... actually... ummm... none of them... well that I can think of right now. Either way, sometimes I want to grab my gun, a 4-wheeler (if we still had one) (a horse is always fun to take too) throw them in the back of the truck and take off to the creek. Then spend the day riding and shoot some clay pigeons before making a fire, eating and then falling asleep either in the back of the truck, trailer or a tent. I know to many this would be something that a "hick" would do but say what you want it's my favorite and this is the kind of stuff I miss.
That's all.

How about these storms.

I enjoy a good thunderstorm but not driving in it or being woken up from crazy, crackling lightning.

2 weeks.

Only 2 more weeks and I will be in Indianapolis for good.

No more Lafayette, no more nannying.

I think I'm excited.

It'll be fun to make new friends and basically kind of start over. Not that I want to start over but that's what's happening. 

So yeah... 2 weeks and 1 one day. I'm stoked.

More of what I hear.

Every time I tell Grayson I'm going somewhere he says to me

"I got with this?"

I think it is absolutely hilarious.

Grayson walking up the driveway carrying his wagon says to no one in particular
"I'm so tough"

Also yesterday I told Gray he was a boy. He looks at me and says "No I'm a man."

Call me crazy.

Crazy please call me.
I'm writing this for my own good.


1 Peter 1:13-21
¹³Therefore, preparing your minds for action,^[a] and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. ¹⁴As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, ¹⁵but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct,¹⁶since it is written, "You shall be holy, for I am holy." ¹⁷And if you call on him as Father who judges impartially according to each one’s deeds, conduct yourselves with fear throughout the time of your exile, ¹⁸knowing that you were ransomed from the futile ways inherited from your forefathers, not with perishable things such as silver or gold, ¹⁹but with the precious blood of Christ, like that of a lamb without blemish or spot. ²⁰He was foreknown before the foundation of the world but was made manifest in the last times for the sake of you ²¹who through him are believers in God, who raised him from the dead and gave him glory, so that your faith and hope are in God.


Have you ever been lonely and clung to the wrong person when they came along?
I hope you say yes because right now I know that what I'm doing is wrong and never have I seen my flesh fail in this way and have a fear that it won't be understood.
To some it may not be that big of a deal but it's made me sick to my stomach for days now. 
I'll make the story quick.
I met a guy outside of a bar several months ago. We had a lot in common. He wasn't all that good lookin' but it was nice to talk to someone that had the same been raised on a farm and understood that life. We exchanged numbers and only texted that night a little and the next day until I completely stopped texting him because he wasn't a christian or the type of guy I should get involved with.
He texted me last week. I didn't have his number so when I saw the number I asked who it was and when he told me I responded with "it's been awhile.." We talked a little more that night but not really at all the next day until 10pm when I was sitting in my CPR class and I texted him. Bad choice. Still can't tell you why I did it. We continued to texted back and forth. I knew every morning and night I would get something from you whether it was a "sleep well" or a "I hope you have a good day." Followed later in the day by a  "How was your day?" Unfortunately I looked forward to these texts knowing in my heart that he had one thing in mind. To ask me out and then get me into bed… he'd done it once he was going to try it again.  So… he did end up asking me out and I said no because well I really didn't have time for it but also I could NOT do that to myself. Either way… I did almost say yes to dinner with him and I'm scared out of my mind that I will actually say yes next time. 
That's all I have to say for now. 

I've got spots.

Grayson likes to call my freckles "spots" and he LOVES to find them.
Today he came to me with his arm held out to me and said
"I have Halie's spot."
I looked at his arm and there was a very tiny freckle :)
so we searched for more spots and didn't find any.