When you run out of little spoons use a big spoon.

Last night as I was laying in bed thinking back on life. I actually wasn't trying to think back it just accidentally happened and no worries I quickly pushed the thoughts from my head. Sometimes I'm pretty sure I just can't handle the past or I might quickly suffocate. Seriously a shortness of breath and a panic attack usually quickly follow when I think back on my life. I pushed the thoughts aside with the intention of dealing with it today. So here I am... processing and beginning to deal. I know I haven't accepted my past and I actually remember reading a book by an old monk and he said "Either accept your past or live in despair.." (there was more than that but that line hit me the hardest) 

It's funny to me how after I read something like that I think "Dang, I need to get my sh** together" but I again and again choose despair. 

So, after writing that and I decided to look up the word despair in the back on my bible which brought me to the verse that says "We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair."

Definition of despair: a state in which all hope is lost or absent

Definition of perplexed: full of difficulty or confusion or bewilderment

So, I guess I could say sometimes I'm in a state of despair but most of the time I'm perplexed. So, it's not so much that I'm choosing despair, although it could get to that point, I'm just not choosing to let Christ pull me out of this or to just let this season go on for as long as it should and just praise Christ for every breath He allows me.  

I went to Purdue when I was 18. Moved out of my parents house while they were at work and into the dorms. Sure that I didn't need anyone or anything. I'd provided for myself for so long it didn't matter to me if anyone was there to help me onto the biggest adventure of my life. That's how I continued to think for the next couple of years. The only problem was... I actually wanted someone to be there. The only problem... if you let someone there, they might let you down. So, it's better to do it by yourself and let the empty feeling take over. Right? Right. Once classes started I was the best student. Went to every class, did all my homework except for that one worksheet that I thought was due on Thursday but it's actually due right now! My first slip up in college sends me into a downward spiral of craziness. Maybe not craziness but I wanted college to be different than high school and it just wasn't. I still didn't have the discipline to go to every class or to be perfect basically. I have big expectations for everything in my life and if those things aren't met by me... not by anyone else... I feel nothing less than failure. So, when I decided to drop out last fall I quickly told myself 'this is only temporary and I'll be back in school in no time, I just ran out of money. ' The truth of the situation, which has been sitting in the back of my brain for awhile now, I couldn't handle the stress of school. Every year I didn't know if I had the money to pay for it and if I did it was scraped together the last second. The thought of paying back student loans gave me a panic attack. The worst part? I was dealing with it all by myself. I told some people what was going on but I've never really let someone in all the way or continued to tell people I was fine. I still do this on a daily basis. I tell people constantly what I wish was the truth. But honestly I look at my life and I think how did I get here. Where is God? Not like can't find Him but where have I put Him? Which I always put Him to the side or at least I think I do. Right now I was Christ completely at the center. I guess that would mean looking at my past and seeing my failures as ways to learn and also as sin (a lot of my past was straight up disobedience to Christ) and repenting of that sin and allowing myself to actually face my past with a determination to change my future (huh.. that sounded like a good bumper sticker) 

It's all pretty easy to say but I know the truth for this thing called life remains at the Cross and you can't really take it away from the cross you just have to keep looking at it... 

I'm sure a lot of this was all over the place but seriously I'm just processing and thinking.

It was nice talking to you though.

It's been awhile :)

Life is... funny, different... so many words to try to explain that. Maybe I should not have started off in such a way :)

Anyways, it's been awhile since I was here last. Not completely sure where to start or what to say... (oh.. that's Grayson and I, we made a tower out of legos.)

Ummm... my stomach is terribly messed up today. I feel as if I ate a giant cheese burger from greasy king (if only there were such a place!) but I did not eat a giant cheese burger from greasy king. Quite the opposite... I had a bowl of Honey Comb cereal. Okay maybe not the complete opposite, I could have had something much healthier but I eat a healthy breakfast like every morning so some days I just can't resist a good bowl of (sugary) cereal.
I'm listening to a song right now that makes me wish it was snowing. Don't get me wrong, I'm loving the fall right now but it's funny how songs take you back to when you first heard them.
I think I'm going to start working out at a gym. I have to do something. I love running outside but I'm not always motivated. I want to swim. That's my favorite.
Well, I think I'm going to go read a book while Grayson is sleeping. But you have a good day.
It was nice talking to you!

Remember when...

I could get a good nights sleep? I kinda do. I haven't been sleeping well. I'm scared too. When I'm praying and reading my bible, I have terrible dreams and wake up only to feel as if something is in the room… normally more than one somethings. When I'm not praying or reading my bible and I am as far from God as I can possibly make myself the dreams are still there I just ignore them and go into a different world. I don't know how to get out of this. It's a constant up and down. It has been for a long time. I know one thing for sure that I'm having a hard time letting go of and I don't quite know how to shake that or just let it hurt and then let it go. I need God and I need someone to stick by my side but I don't know what either of those things looks like. I know I need both of those things but won't let it happen. Huh… not sure.

4 pieces of cheesecake later.

I've learned that becoming an introvert is kinda scary. I have a hard time with the weekends because my roommates are around more, which normally would be fine but now I'm so used to being home alone that when they are here and want to hang out I get all nervous and don't quite know what to do. Also, I know they'll want to talk about the week, what happened and blah blah. But I don't, I would rather keep that to myself. Which brings me to what Panda said a couple of weeks ago when I mentioned that I would like to live by myself and that was basically when you live by yourself you don't grow and you just get comfortable. That's definitely been proven the last 2 weeks. I really like my schedule and like not seeing people or having to deal with them. I'm not growing and I don't want to. I hate thinking and knowing that one day I'll push myself out of this. I'm not sure what to do about it right now though...
Well... I'm actually going to try to go to sleep right now :)
Have a good night, it was nice talking to you.

Early Mornings.

I woke up this morning with a dream about a guy walking next to me poking me in the rib cage. He just held his finger there so I could feel annoyed but I didn't like this guy and he didn't like me. I woke with that usual surge of tinkles from head to toe. I lay there reminding myself that I can move, I'm not paralyzed. I instinctively start praying, it's what I always do in this situation.  I also begin to realize though that this past week hasn't exactly been a waste. God knew my sister would call and we would talk about things that would trigger something inside of me to wonder away. All I could think about this week was how empty it was, I didn't like waking up, going to church, or really anything. I didn't want anything but to be alone. Alone with my thoughts, alone with the despair I was allowing myself to live in. 

Quite selfish. 

Either way, I feel and maybe I'm wrong BUT I feel that Christ has allowed for me to do this once again but a little differently. Almost as if He was guiding and speaking most of the time. Pointing out faults to this system I've created to run away from my family or the world. Trying to get me to realize that I need to focus on Heaven. That needs to be my ultimate goal. I don't always believe in the promise of Heaven and don't always want to go there. I definitely hold onto this world stronger than Christ sometimes. I can see the things here. Actually, funny thought... when I went to New York a couple of years ago I was so taken back by how it didn't look anything like it did on TV. It looks fun, fashionable, put together but in reality it's not that appealing. At the "super fancy" restraunts flowers were fake, pictures on the wall were a little crooked, the carpet an ugly shade of green... what is going on? This is a fancy place, everything should be perfect. I had this thought the other day as I was staring at the couch at work. The studs on the front were not done well and I thought "I"m sure they spent a lot of money on these couchs and they still are not done well." It's hard for me to believe that fancy restaurants where you pay a lot of money the drawing on the wall will be a knock-off or the big house that I work at will still have a toilet that shakes when you sit down. 

I've really realized that I don't have the eyes for these things. If I didn't have Christ I wouldn't see all these imperfections but He knows my heart and knows that deep down I'm a fancy nancy and that seeing the imerfections of the rich and famous lifestyle is necessary simply to keep my heart on Him. If I didn't see those things I would want them not Christ. 

Funny how last week I wouldn't even mention Christ but somehow He quickly got me back. This actually is the quickest I've come back to Him... I know He's really working right now. Getting through some tough stuff with me and it's not fun but now He's taken away my "world." Great.. that means I have to start going straight to Him when I don't want to deal with things...

Afraid of the dark.

Even as a little kid you wouldn't find me sleeping with a night light or any kind of light, I actually liked to sleep with a pillow over my head. Lately things have changed. I go to bed dreading dreams I may have, not knowing what I'm going to wake up feeling. Normally just panick.
Just so you know this a place that I normally just try to figure things out so I'm not trying to be all dramatic. Just processing I guess you could say.
I ended the last post with a verse. I'm good at being fake but I hate it to much to continue. I ended with that to give anyone that read it hope. I think I also hoped I would actually read it and take it into consideration but instead I went down my usual road.
I've spent the last week in and out of reality. I've made up this world in my head that actually isn't perfect by any means but the best part is is that there's always someone next to me. I don't have to deal with anything alone and when I try to they fight and don't let me. I made up this place when I was around 12. Maybe that's when shit started to hit the fan. Not sure.
All I know is is that it's the first place I go when I feel alone. I'm so over dealing with things alone but here's the kicker.... I will not let someone help me. I do not trust that easily.
After talking to my sister the other day about the family and all that trash, this was where I ran. Until today when I didn't want to go there. I don't want to be dependent on that. Its simply a temporary hiding place and it's only happy when you're there. I didn't choose to not go there today, it simply just didn't appeal to me. Either way, I laid in bed finally willing to speak aloud to God. It sucks because He's obviously working in my life but do I feel Him? NO. And in all honesty all I want is for someone to hold me and when I'm laying here literally crying out to Him and all I know is that He's real, He has provided for me and He is here but I can't feel Him. I want to feel something.
But I guess I'll always want more. He did provide for me knowing that the week I go back to work I'll simply leave Him for a place I've made of my own. So, maybe it's okay that I don't feel Him and maybe it's okay to feel completely alone, just knowing and believing that I'm not. I'm just over feeling lonely and I want to actually trust.
I really just want someone to hold me. I think I miss being loved in that way. Not sure what I can find in the bible about that one.
Frick this blog is all sorts of everywhere but on one subject.
I guess, it was nice talking to you.

Triggers... Sounds like chiggers.

Yesterday I talked to my sister and of course we talked about mom and the whole damn family.
How Bri is a lesbian and wants to sit the whole family down and talk to us.
How mom acknowledged that her choices in New York hurt Summer and she should have just respected her and how it was good for her to hear that.
How Summer is going to therapy to try to figure all this out and what her "boundaries" are.
And many other "hows."
I don't like talking about my family. I think I still have some unresolved beef with them. I love everyone in my family but I don't want to try to figure them out or talk about them. Let them be who they are. I don't want to be a huge part of my family. They are important to me and once again I love them dearly but I really have no desire to be super close to them.
I also realized after getting off the phone with my sister how talking about my family sends me spiralling down a bad road. Rather quickly. I didn't have a lot to say while talking to her because all I can really think about when she talks is "why don't you just let this go? what else is there to figure out?" So I don't talk because I don't have much to say. I don't know what she wants from the family. So, I think I just get frustrated and so I let everything go back to a place that I hate and is so hard to get out of.
All of my thoughts are so demeaning, I don't want anyone in my life, if someone comes home I usually decide to go to bed, I won't go near my bible because I'm scared. I want to read my bible, I'll carry it with me everywhere hoping that I'll find the guts to open it but usually don't. Frick. It just sucks. Everything that hurts, hurts tens times as much. So how do I pull myself out of this hole and decide not to get back in it when I actually have to accept my family for who they are and let myself love them the way Christ does? Not sure but we'll find out.
Ummm... I like adventure but not always this kind.
It was nice talking to you.

Umm... I came across this verse in a post that I never published because I wanted to think about this verse more. Funny when trails are left.

      Romans 5:3-5
"More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."