Afraid of the dark.

Even as a little kid you wouldn't find me sleeping with a night light or any kind of light, I actually liked to sleep with a pillow over my head. Lately things have changed. I go to bed dreading dreams I may have, not knowing what I'm going to wake up feeling. Normally just panick.
Just so you know this a place that I normally just try to figure things out so I'm not trying to be all dramatic. Just processing I guess you could say.
I ended the last post with a verse. I'm good at being fake but I hate it to much to continue. I ended with that to give anyone that read it hope. I think I also hoped I would actually read it and take it into consideration but instead I went down my usual road.
I've spent the last week in and out of reality. I've made up this world in my head that actually isn't perfect by any means but the best part is is that there's always someone next to me. I don't have to deal with anything alone and when I try to they fight and don't let me. I made up this place when I was around 12. Maybe that's when shit started to hit the fan. Not sure.
All I know is is that it's the first place I go when I feel alone. I'm so over dealing with things alone but here's the kicker.... I will not let someone help me. I do not trust that easily.
After talking to my sister the other day about the family and all that trash, this was where I ran. Until today when I didn't want to go there. I don't want to be dependent on that. Its simply a temporary hiding place and it's only happy when you're there. I didn't choose to not go there today, it simply just didn't appeal to me. Either way, I laid in bed finally willing to speak aloud to God. It sucks because He's obviously working in my life but do I feel Him? NO. And in all honesty all I want is for someone to hold me and when I'm laying here literally crying out to Him and all I know is that He's real, He has provided for me and He is here but I can't feel Him. I want to feel something.
But I guess I'll always want more. He did provide for me knowing that the week I go back to work I'll simply leave Him for a place I've made of my own. So, maybe it's okay that I don't feel Him and maybe it's okay to feel completely alone, just knowing and believing that I'm not. I'm just over feeling lonely and I want to actually trust.
I really just want someone to hold me. I think I miss being loved in that way. Not sure what I can find in the bible about that one.
Frick this blog is all sorts of everywhere but on one subject.
I guess, it was nice talking to you.