Remember when...

I could get a good nights sleep? I kinda do. I haven't been sleeping well. I'm scared too. When I'm praying and reading my bible, I have terrible dreams and wake up only to feel as if something is in the room… normally more than one somethings. When I'm not praying or reading my bible and I am as far from God as I can possibly make myself the dreams are still there I just ignore them and go into a different world. I don't know how to get out of this. It's a constant up and down. It has been for a long time. I know one thing for sure that I'm having a hard time letting go of and I don't quite know how to shake that or just let it hurt and then let it go. I need God and I need someone to stick by my side but I don't know what either of those things looks like. I know I need both of those things but won't let it happen. Huh… not sure.