Early Mornings.

I woke up this morning with a dream about a guy walking next to me poking me in the rib cage. He just held his finger there so I could feel annoyed but I didn't like this guy and he didn't like me. I woke with that usual surge of tinkles from head to toe. I lay there reminding myself that I can move, I'm not paralyzed. I instinctively start praying, it's what I always do in this situation.  I also begin to realize though that this past week hasn't exactly been a waste. God knew my sister would call and we would talk about things that would trigger something inside of me to wonder away. All I could think about this week was how empty it was, I didn't like waking up, going to church, or really anything. I didn't want anything but to be alone. Alone with my thoughts, alone with the despair I was allowing myself to live in. 

Quite selfish. 

Either way, I feel and maybe I'm wrong BUT I feel that Christ has allowed for me to do this once again but a little differently. Almost as if He was guiding and speaking most of the time. Pointing out faults to this system I've created to run away from my family or the world. Trying to get me to realize that I need to focus on Heaven. That needs to be my ultimate goal. I don't always believe in the promise of Heaven and don't always want to go there. I definitely hold onto this world stronger than Christ sometimes. I can see the things here. Actually, funny thought... when I went to New York a couple of years ago I was so taken back by how it didn't look anything like it did on TV. It looks fun, fashionable, put together but in reality it's not that appealing. At the "super fancy" restraunts flowers were fake, pictures on the wall were a little crooked, the carpet an ugly shade of green... what is going on? This is a fancy place, everything should be perfect. I had this thought the other day as I was staring at the couch at work. The studs on the front were not done well and I thought "I"m sure they spent a lot of money on these couchs and they still are not done well." It's hard for me to believe that fancy restaurants where you pay a lot of money the drawing on the wall will be a knock-off or the big house that I work at will still have a toilet that shakes when you sit down. 

I've really realized that I don't have the eyes for these things. If I didn't have Christ I wouldn't see all these imperfections but He knows my heart and knows that deep down I'm a fancy nancy and that seeing the imerfections of the rich and famous lifestyle is necessary simply to keep my heart on Him. If I didn't see those things I would want them not Christ. 

Funny how last week I wouldn't even mention Christ but somehow He quickly got me back. This actually is the quickest I've come back to Him... I know He's really working right now. Getting through some tough stuff with me and it's not fun but now He's taken away my "world." Great.. that means I have to start going straight to Him when I don't want to deal with things...