It's funny to me how after I read something like that I think "Dang, I need to get my sh** together" but I again and again choose despair.
So, after writing that and I decided to look up the word despair in the back on my bible which brought me to the verse that says "We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair."
Definition of despair: a state in which all hope is lost or absent
Definition of perplexed: full of difficulty or confusion or bewilderment
So, I guess I could say sometimes I'm in a state of despair but most of the time I'm perplexed. So, it's not so much that I'm choosing despair, although it could get to that point, I'm just not choosing to let Christ pull me out of this or to just let this season go on for as long as it should and just praise Christ for every breath He allows me.
I went to Purdue when I was 18. Moved out of my parents house while they were at work and into the dorms. Sure that I didn't need anyone or anything. I'd provided for myself for so long it didn't matter to me if anyone was there to help me onto the biggest adventure of my life. That's how I continued to think for the next couple of years. The only problem was... I actually wanted someone to be there. The only problem... if you let someone there, they might let you down. So, it's better to do it by yourself and let the empty feeling take over. Right? Right. Once classes started I was the best student. Went to every class, did all my homework except for that one worksheet that I thought was due on Thursday but it's actually due right now! My first slip up in college sends me into a downward spiral of craziness. Maybe not craziness but I wanted college to be different than high school and it just wasn't. I still didn't have the discipline to go to every class or to be perfect basically. I have big expectations for everything in my life and if those things aren't met by me... not by anyone else... I feel nothing less than failure. So, when I decided to drop out last fall I quickly told myself 'this is only temporary and I'll be back in school in no time, I just ran out of money. ' The truth of the situation, which has been sitting in the back of my brain for awhile now, I couldn't handle the stress of school. Every year I didn't know if I had the money to pay for it and if I did it was scraped together the last second. The thought of paying back student loans gave me a panic attack. The worst part? I was dealing with it all by myself. I told some people what was going on but I've never really let someone in all the way or continued to tell people I was fine. I still do this on a daily basis. I tell people constantly what I wish was the truth. But honestly I look at my life and I think how did I get here. Where is God? Not like can't find Him but where have I put Him? Which I always put Him to the side or at least I think I do. Right now I was Christ completely at the center. I guess that would mean looking at my past and seeing my failures as ways to learn and also as sin (a lot of my past was straight up disobedience to Christ) and repenting of that sin and allowing myself to actually face my past with a determination to change my future (huh.. that sounded like a good bumper sticker)
It's all pretty easy to say but I know the truth for this thing called life remains at the Cross and you can't really take it away from the cross you just have to keep looking at it...
I'm sure a lot of this was all over the place but seriously I'm just processing and thinking.
It was nice talking to you though.
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