Working Late.

The babies are asleep and Hunter is watching TV.
Sugar was put down today. She had cancer and wasn't doing to well. I was hoping they would wait until I left to put her down but it was definitely time. She was struggling. Either way it still is a bummer. This last week of work has been all kinds of emotional. I mean a lot has happened. Last night I went to my parents and I always know that when I go there it will either be kind of dramatic or really good :) So I went to spend the night because I'll be in Indy soon and know I won't be able to see them as much. Either way, my mom is really struggling with some stuff so it really felt like I was back in high school. Except… a little different because I'm not 15 anymore. Anyways, I haven't been to stressed out about everything. The only thing that makes me squirm is the thought of continuing to talk to people about this and being honest about what's going on. It's easy to text someone once and say "please be praying about this" but to continue to go to your friends and talk to them because that's the healthy thing to do… I'm not so sure about that. I realized that this is what needs to happen when a friend of mine was having a huge breakdown the other night and while she was crying she said "I didn't realize how emotionally screwed up I was until I had people to hold me while I cried and let me cry and then prayed with me about everything."
It was good to hear her say that. She has a great relationship with the Lord and always has.
Either way, I know I'm pretty emotionally messed up and I'm not saying I need to have the same experience she did. I realized though that she let her guard down and let herself show emotions and was allowed to then work through other things and was just able to feel. This is hard for me. I get awkward. I avoid it because I don't know what to say and no one really knows the situation or really understands it and I don't want someone to pity me or think badly of my parents. Well… okay… I actually don't know why I get so awkward about talking about it… I mean those are good excuses but also I think it's hard for me to be open and honest and then just let them love me. Being vulnerable usually leaves me feeling… scared and empty. Huh.
I have to go… the babies are tearing shit up… I can hear them.

I stepped on this this morning...

Books.

I've now changed the title of this blog 3 times and I'm sure I'll change it 5 more times before the end. I'm terrible at naming things. I always had my art teachers name my art works that went up in galleries because I never could. Anyways... I like to read. I think I've talked about this before but here we are again.

Last night as I was laying in bed (which is currently a mattress on the floor of the Davey girls room but a bed none the less better than just the floor, which I did sleep on one night...either way...) I saw a book with the title Passion and Purity. I usually LOVE to skim these books because they usually say the silliest things that give christian women silly hope. The author is Elisabeth Elliot and I haven't heard anything about her but she seems interesting. The book is still kind of silly but she does have some good things to say.... well actually what I really like is that incorporates the letters that people write to her. They ask about relationships, why this happened or blah blah. Okay here's where I drop the tough act and let you know that this book actually has smacked me in the face. It's kind of made me mad at times... the worst part?

It makes me mad because she talks about things that I've struggled with for years and is informing me that I messed up. Don't like that... maybe some more on that later. For now I just wanted to touch on 2 things that stuck out to me.

1) After sharing some of her journal entries, that were only scriptures, she pointed out that she didn't know what she was upset about but that it was "better to stick with what God was saying to me [scriptures] than what my heart was saying."(p52)

The next one I'll spend more time explaining later... also remember I'm just giving you a clip of the book.

2) A girl says to her "I'm not arguing theology and all that. All I'm thinking about is asking Al if he would want to go to chinese. Anything wrong with that?"

She responds with "Be careful. Don't put him in an indefinable position. Also... if you marry Al would you (or he?) be okay with the fact that you pursued him?"

[Still from the book] I would ask my challengers to reflect on the design of the Designer; to ask what it means; to test the way they treat the opposite sex with these questions: is it fitting? is it in accord with my best understanding of God's plan? What is it that brings God's man and God's woman near to each other with delicacy and grace?

"Well, how about if I just call and ask him what I can pray for for him this week?"

You have not yet understood.

I liked the last part.

I'll write more later.

Everytime we go outside...

Grayson says to me "We need to put on ice cream."
Me: "Do you mean sunscreen?"
Grayson: "ummm... yeah sunscreen."

Home Sick

I think I've talked about this before... but I guess we can talk about it again :)
Anyways... not many of my friends are from the country... actually... ummm... none of them... well that I can think of right now. Either way, sometimes I want to grab my gun, a 4-wheeler (if we still had one) (a horse is always fun to take too) throw them in the back of the truck and take off to the creek. Then spend the day riding and shoot some clay pigeons before making a fire, eating and then falling asleep either in the back of the truck, trailer or a tent. I know to many this would be something that a "hick" would do but say what you want it's my favorite and this is the kind of stuff I miss.
That's all.

How about these storms.

I enjoy a good thunderstorm but not driving in it or being woken up from crazy, crackling lightning.

2 weeks.

Only 2 more weeks and I will be in Indianapolis for good.

No more Lafayette, no more nannying.

I think I'm excited.

It'll be fun to make new friends and basically kind of start over. Not that I want to start over but that's what's happening. 

So yeah... 2 weeks and 1 one day. I'm stoked.