Early Mornings.

I woke up this morning with a dream about a guy walking next to me poking me in the rib cage. He just held his finger there so I could feel annoyed but I didn't like this guy and he didn't like me. I woke with that usual surge of tinkles from head to toe. I lay there reminding myself that I can move, I'm not paralyzed. I instinctively start praying, it's what I always do in this situation.  I also begin to realize though that this past week hasn't exactly been a waste. God knew my sister would call and we would talk about things that would trigger something inside of me to wonder away. All I could think about this week was how empty it was, I didn't like waking up, going to church, or really anything. I didn't want anything but to be alone. Alone with my thoughts, alone with the despair I was allowing myself to live in. 

Quite selfish. 

Either way, I feel and maybe I'm wrong BUT I feel that Christ has allowed for me to do this once again but a little differently. Almost as if He was guiding and speaking most of the time. Pointing out faults to this system I've created to run away from my family or the world. Trying to get me to realize that I need to focus on Heaven. That needs to be my ultimate goal. I don't always believe in the promise of Heaven and don't always want to go there. I definitely hold onto this world stronger than Christ sometimes. I can see the things here. Actually, funny thought... when I went to New York a couple of years ago I was so taken back by how it didn't look anything like it did on TV. It looks fun, fashionable, put together but in reality it's not that appealing. At the "super fancy" restraunts flowers were fake, pictures on the wall were a little crooked, the carpet an ugly shade of green... what is going on? This is a fancy place, everything should be perfect. I had this thought the other day as I was staring at the couch at work. The studs on the front were not done well and I thought "I"m sure they spent a lot of money on these couchs and they still are not done well." It's hard for me to believe that fancy restaurants where you pay a lot of money the drawing on the wall will be a knock-off or the big house that I work at will still have a toilet that shakes when you sit down. 

I've really realized that I don't have the eyes for these things. If I didn't have Christ I wouldn't see all these imperfections but He knows my heart and knows that deep down I'm a fancy nancy and that seeing the imerfections of the rich and famous lifestyle is necessary simply to keep my heart on Him. If I didn't see those things I would want them not Christ. 

Funny how last week I wouldn't even mention Christ but somehow He quickly got me back. This actually is the quickest I've come back to Him... I know He's really working right now. Getting through some tough stuff with me and it's not fun but now He's taken away my "world." Great.. that means I have to start going straight to Him when I don't want to deal with things...

Afraid of the dark.

Even as a little kid you wouldn't find me sleeping with a night light or any kind of light, I actually liked to sleep with a pillow over my head. Lately things have changed. I go to bed dreading dreams I may have, not knowing what I'm going to wake up feeling. Normally just panick.
Just so you know this a place that I normally just try to figure things out so I'm not trying to be all dramatic. Just processing I guess you could say.
I ended the last post with a verse. I'm good at being fake but I hate it to much to continue. I ended with that to give anyone that read it hope. I think I also hoped I would actually read it and take it into consideration but instead I went down my usual road.
I've spent the last week in and out of reality. I've made up this world in my head that actually isn't perfect by any means but the best part is is that there's always someone next to me. I don't have to deal with anything alone and when I try to they fight and don't let me. I made up this place when I was around 12. Maybe that's when shit started to hit the fan. Not sure.
All I know is is that it's the first place I go when I feel alone. I'm so over dealing with things alone but here's the kicker.... I will not let someone help me. I do not trust that easily.
After talking to my sister the other day about the family and all that trash, this was where I ran. Until today when I didn't want to go there. I don't want to be dependent on that. Its simply a temporary hiding place and it's only happy when you're there. I didn't choose to not go there today, it simply just didn't appeal to me. Either way, I laid in bed finally willing to speak aloud to God. It sucks because He's obviously working in my life but do I feel Him? NO. And in all honesty all I want is for someone to hold me and when I'm laying here literally crying out to Him and all I know is that He's real, He has provided for me and He is here but I can't feel Him. I want to feel something.
But I guess I'll always want more. He did provide for me knowing that the week I go back to work I'll simply leave Him for a place I've made of my own. So, maybe it's okay that I don't feel Him and maybe it's okay to feel completely alone, just knowing and believing that I'm not. I'm just over feeling lonely and I want to actually trust.
I really just want someone to hold me. I think I miss being loved in that way. Not sure what I can find in the bible about that one.
Frick this blog is all sorts of everywhere but on one subject.
I guess, it was nice talking to you.

Triggers... Sounds like chiggers.

Yesterday I talked to my sister and of course we talked about mom and the whole damn family.
How Bri is a lesbian and wants to sit the whole family down and talk to us.
How mom acknowledged that her choices in New York hurt Summer and she should have just respected her and how it was good for her to hear that.
How Summer is going to therapy to try to figure all this out and what her "boundaries" are.
And many other "hows."
I don't like talking about my family. I think I still have some unresolved beef with them. I love everyone in my family but I don't want to try to figure them out or talk about them. Let them be who they are. I don't want to be a huge part of my family. They are important to me and once again I love them dearly but I really have no desire to be super close to them.
I also realized after getting off the phone with my sister how talking about my family sends me spiralling down a bad road. Rather quickly. I didn't have a lot to say while talking to her because all I can really think about when she talks is "why don't you just let this go? what else is there to figure out?" So I don't talk because I don't have much to say. I don't know what she wants from the family. So, I think I just get frustrated and so I let everything go back to a place that I hate and is so hard to get out of.
All of my thoughts are so demeaning, I don't want anyone in my life, if someone comes home I usually decide to go to bed, I won't go near my bible because I'm scared. I want to read my bible, I'll carry it with me everywhere hoping that I'll find the guts to open it but usually don't. Frick. It just sucks. Everything that hurts, hurts tens times as much. So how do I pull myself out of this hole and decide not to get back in it when I actually have to accept my family for who they are and let myself love them the way Christ does? Not sure but we'll find out.
Ummm... I like adventure but not always this kind.
It was nice talking to you.

Umm... I came across this verse in a post that I never published because I wanted to think about this verse more. Funny when trails are left.

      Romans 5:3-5
"More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."

I came across this.

So today I was talking to a roommate and basically we ended talking about how hard it is to ask for forgiveness when we know for sure we will commit the same sin again. If not today then tomorrow for sure, why even ask? Why continue, it makes no sense? And why isn't God sufficient?
I think God isn't sufficient because we have this idea of what sufficiency is followed by a perception that has been manipulated by years (or days) of who God is and when it comes down to it we don't know Christ and we have no idea what it means for Him to be sufficient. So, we when take that big breathe and ask Him to be enough we have to let go of every idea, perception and sunday school picture of who Christ is and allow Him to actually begin to teach us. And frick does that take trust.
Sometimes I have no idea of what I've actually got myself into but I'm already so deep that I can't exactly get out. Not that I would want to. There is just so much to God and it's overwhelming at time but I love when He takes these times to teach me.
So, anyways I was reading through Romans and came across several verses that just clarified somethings.
Like why I keep sinning and just can't seem to get it right.

This is Romans 7:7-25 (NLT)


God’s Law Reveals Our Sin

 7 Well then, am I suggesting that the law of God is sinful? Of course not! In fact, it was the law that showed me my sin. I would never have known that coveting is wrong if the law had not said, “You must not covet.”[c] 8 But sin used this command to arouse all kinds of covetous desires within me! If there were no law, sin would not have that power. 9 At one time I lived without understanding the law. But when I learned the command not to covet, for instance, the power of sin came to life, 10 and I died. So I discovered that the law’s commands, which were supposed to bring life, brought spiritual death instead. 11 Sin took advantage of those commands and deceived me; it used the commands to kill me. 12 But still, the law itself is holy, and its commands are holy and right and good.
 13 But how can that be? Did the law, which is good, cause my death? Of course not! Sin used what was good to bring about my condemnation to death. So we can see how terrible sin really is. It uses God’s good commands for its own evil purposes.

Struggling with Sin

 14 So the trouble is not with the law, for it is spiritual and good. The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. 15 I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. 16 But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. 17 So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.
 18 And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[d] I want to do what is right, but I can’t. 19 I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. 20 But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.

 21 I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. 22 I love God’s law with all my heart. 23 But there is another power[e] within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. 24 Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? 25 Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.



Okay so there's that then there's Romans 8:12-13

12 Therefore, dear brothers and sisters,[a] you have no obligation to do what your sinful nature urges you to do. 13 For if you live by its dictates, you will die. But if through the power of the Spirit you put to death the deeds of your sinful nature,[b] you will live.

Ummm... so much I want to say but also these verses kind of speak for themselves so...
I'm just going to go to bed.
It was nice talking to you though.

The Art of Processing

I don't think I have it down. Although I feel as if I should.
Anyways, my friend Rebekah and I have decided to memorize verses together. I guess I should have warned her that I'm not the best at this. I've also come to the conclusion that I'm not so much going to be able to memorize these verses and have them there forever but having something to focus on and putting that discipline into practice is good for me right now.
This weekend was good. My little pomplamoose Amanda got married on Saturday, that was the best ever but after the wedding I got a flat tire :( sad but praise God someone was able to help me change it. So that led to 4 new tires on my car, which I guess was needed. Okay I'm actually going to go read even though I know I had more to say. Maybe later I'll write more but probably not. Good thought though.

Hi.

Rainy weather is good but I need to learn to cope when it's dreary for a couple of days. I usually turn into this introverted sloth that watches life slip away and then when I wake up I'm so bummed. I also need a better sleep schedule on the weekends :) 

Anyways, I've been reading through the gospels and it's been good. It's funny because it's made me question my faith a lot. Just kind of wondering why I believe this or if I really do or if I ever have but as I read it I realize nothing will ever make me believe in God. He's basically stuck in my heart and I can't unstick Him, even if I tried. It's kind of funny to be in this place but good. Because I realized that if I believe in God then I believe what the gospels say and ultimately I want to live for Christ. 

Ummm... as I was reading this book today by Brennan Manning I came across this quote that says "Let's not be afraid to look at everything that has brought us to where we are now and trust that we will soon see it in the guiding hand of a loving God."

As I look back on all that has happened in the last year or so, I find that I'm frustrated, humiliated, and just confused. I know I've let that blind me, I think I've let a lot blind me. I'm not saying I all of the sudden can see but I guess I just wanted to point out that it's obvious God is working and all that has happened will somehow glorify Him and bring me closer to Him.

So I just took a quick break and went to the bathroom and came to the conclusion that I have to memorize scripture. One thing that is keeping me away from God is that fact that His scripture is not near me at all times and that important. I know I've said this before and well sadly I will possibly fail at this but maybe one day I'll get it right and I can truly live in a way that is glorifying to Christ. maybe. 

Hi. So I'm going to try to get back into this. Mainly because I like writing stuff down but would like for it to all be in one place. Okay lets talk about whats been happening. I've been nannying for about 5 months now. I love it. I have a schedule and semi-normal life, having a baby with me 5 days a week is what makes it semi-normal :) Today he loves his tongue and to play with the dog while she tries to sleep, poor mama. Today I decided that if I wanted to go back to college I needed to start applying to colleges. So I did that, it was stressful.
Ummm...wondering where I am with Christ? Well, I realized I don't believe in His goodness. I know He's real but I ask Him on a daily, if not hourly, basis where He is because I don't know. I hate that He knows my future but has not intention of sharing it with me. I've also come to realize I care more about what people think of me than what He thinks of me. So, I've decided begun the process of letting Him become more important to me than my friends and family or anything else and I've found that process leading to much anger and confusion. Not that I need much clarity, really only trust and healing is needed right now. I know God's working right now or at least I would like to think He is, I just don't know where He is or how this is going to end... if ever. Either way I know I've made the choice to live for Him and I'm going to do that the best I can. I'm not going to quit this. So, things have changed my focus is definitely more on Him but along with that things have been revealed about my heart that aren't so good.
So much of my past and by that I mean the past 2 years I want to erase and get rid of. Not that I made bad choices but I just wish I would have acted differently to so many different situations that were put in my path but can't take back the past so now I learn how to let those things go and keep living. Something I'm not used to I guess. The past is just so humiliating and how do you let go of that?
I've been running a lot and that been nice. I like this weather. Well, not the weather today it's kind of raining but the humidity makes my hair curl well and I like that. I've also read some good books lately. Crime and Punishment, I would definitely recommend this book. Also, Practice the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence, one I would also recommend. Okay I'm going to go play ball with Gray.