So, every year I decide I should do daily devotions :) It lasts for about a week... a month at most. I was actually laughing about it today because I'm always so into it until I just straight up forget for the rest of the year. It's also funny that it's a yearly thing. All that to say I have once again decided it's time for daily devotions and yesterdays has stuck with me for quite awhile. So... I want to share it. I hope you enjoy.
It's from "My Utmost for His Highest."

"That they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us."
        John 17:21

         "If you are going through a solitary way, read John 17, it will explain exactly why you are where you are--Jesus has prayed that you may be one with the Father as He is. Are you helping God to answer that prayer, or have you some other end for your life? Since you became a disciple you cannot be as independent as you used to be.
           The purpose of God is not to answer our prayers, but by our prayers we come to discern the mid of God, and must answer, and that is the prayer of Jesus-- "that they may be one, even as We are One." Are we as close to Jesus Christ as that?
            God is not concerned about our plans; He does say-- Do you want to go through this beravement; this upset? He allows these things for His own purpose. The things we are going through are either makings us sweeter, better, nobler men and women; or they are making us more captious and fault-finding, more insistant upon our own way. The things that happen either make us fiends, or they make us saints; it depends entirely upon the relationship we in to God. If we say-- "Thy will be done," we get the consolation of John 17, the consolation of knowing that our Father is working according to His own kingdom. When we understand what God is after we will not get mean and cynical. Jesus has prayed nothing less for us than absolute oneness with Himself as He was one with the Father. Some of us are far off it, and yet God will not leave us alone until we are one with Him, because Jesus prayed that we may be.

It was good talking to you.
Halie
 

Today I am Thankful.

Thankful that God has had enough grace to bring me to this point and that the Holy Spirit continues to work and open my eyes to things.

For so long I have fought to call my self a christian and yet fought even harder to live another way. Trying and trying to make my god conform to me. Trying to find myself in this world yet avoiding the fact that Christ says we find ourselves in Him and also to lay down our old self and take up His cross. 

I have more to say but I need to go to work so maybe later...

me

Do you ever wonder...

How you can sit in church and pray and pray and pray that this week would be different and then even before the sermon is over your mind is already set on the week ahead and your begging prayers forgotten?
I don't know why but every Sunday I sit in church, crycrycry and then almost refuse to follow Christ through out the week.
I feel kinda crazy right now...

This World.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed when I hear there has been another earthquake and tens of thousands of people are dead. Not overwhelmed like what can I do but overwhelmed like "How much more can happen before this all just becomes the norm and people stop responding?" I don't think will stop responding all together but when the tsunami in Japan happened everyone jumped on it and helped, raised money all that but lately I've been realizing that big things happen very often and people need help ALL THE TIME... sometimes growing up sucks.

Self Care.

Let us talk about this notion.
Self Care.
Last week I met with a friend to talk about some things and as I was leaving she kept saying to me "self care, self care, self care."
I thought it was simple enough. I take care of myself everyday.
Almost a week later and I'm realizing I do not take care of myself everyday. Self care is actually more than waking up 10 minutes late, brushing your teeth, awkwardly smiling at yourself in the mirror trying to reassure yourself that you do actually look good, running to the barn to do chores knowing I won't eat until around 2ish and won't leave the barn until around 10pm. That's how I take care of myself... basically by running myself into the ground.
Honestly I don't see it as running myself into the ground at the time. I love (understatement) my job and do not mind working 14 hour days. I don't always work that long but this last week the lady that normally does morning chores was sick so I took on her hours.
Either way, I was thinking this morning a lot about the importance of taking care of yourself because well... in order to not let other down even if you are attempting to not let others down by not putting yourself first, you will eventually get to a point where you just can't do it anymore. So... I definitely have not reached the "I can't do it" point but I have reached the "Is God in this anymore" point.
That's the biggest uh-oh of not taking care of yourself. Or of me not taking care of myself. God and everything gets thrown out the window.
So... how do we change this?
Seems like it could be simple but I think it will be a hit or miss kind of thing.
I've never been the kind of girl to wake up early to put on makeup and actually make myself look good for the day and I think I'm going to start there.
Seems silly, I know but I've actually always wanted to be that girl that wakes up and cares about what she looks like because well.. the first thing you've done with your day is take of yourself... I think...
I'll let your know how this goes.
If you have any self care ideas let me know.

State Fair.

Yesterday was my birthday and I decided that after I got morning chores done and went to church I wanted to go to the fair. So I did and it was probably the best time I've had in a long time. I saw part of a sheep show, a kid playing with his trucks in the dirt in his wranglers and cowboy boots, swine auction, more men in wranglers and cowboy boots and hats than I've seen in a long time (one of the best parts of the day), some lambs, puppy for sale :) which in turn made me want a puppy. I saw all kinds of great things. It makes me miss the days of showing. Those were long days but fun and worth it :)

I'm usually absolutely sure...

that God just wants the worst for me all the time.
It's not true of course but how do you change such thinking?
Read your bible and get truth in your brain... I hate when I ask questions and then almost immediately I know the answer but I swear I didn't know the answer yesterday when I was asking myself the same question.

Something I really struggle with...

Is always believing that I must deal with things alone. It's a lie I have believed and learned to live with for many, many years. The honest truth is I (we) do not deal with life alone.
I was reading in my last post about how things will happen and then I might talk about them with friends but when it comes down to it I'm still alone right?
Well... technically yes I am physically alone in dealing with family, friends and other crap but truthfully and in Christ I am not alone. So yes it might be a little physically lonely BUT I can still be thankful that I have friends to pray with and that are praying for me and friends that I can trust to lead me towards Christ. That is such a blessing that many people do not have.
I wanted to write this because I finally see it... I'm not alone and I have people that will stick out this thing called life with me.

Sleep doesn't come easily these days...

Most days I'm overly tired and I just lay in bed only to wake up at 6am sharp.
But tonight I just can't sleep.
I have been reading through a book that is challenging to say the least but that's not what I want to talk about. I was reading this book however and while I am normally able to pay attention to the words I found myself wondering tonight.
I had a sudden breakdown yesterday. In the shower of all places. Either way, you know how God works regardless of where you are in life and regardless of how you feel and well regardless of everything?
Even when you're crying out "WHERE ARE YOU?WHERE ARE YOU?WHERE ARE YOU?"
And you can see His work in your life but there is no connection to it? He's foreign? Maybe you don't understand this but that's fine. It's a weird place to be.
God is so obviously working daily in my life. Providing for me, planning, working things out... and probably doing other things and I seem to be just along for the numb ride.
All this to get back to the fact that I decided to put my book down and talk to God about the fact that I'm scared of... well... Him.
Yesterday my breakdown started with a text from a guy and while I'll skip all that and get right to the point that I don't trust God to provide the right husband for me. I don't think God realizes that I need someone to reallyreallyreally treat me carefully and be gentle and kind but at the same time strong enough to break through these huge walls that I will put up unknowingly. I just don't think God knows how fragile I really am.
Ok. I know that God knows how fragile I am but I do my darndest to prove to Him and everyone else that I am a freaking rock that can handle anything.
I don't know how to handle everything that comes with my life and not try to be a rock. I don't see what good it'll do to sit and talk to people about it when in the end I'll still be the one that has to deal with my family.... I mean yes I sat there and talked to my friends about it and they know it's going on and maybe they're even praying about it but in the moment when it's happening?? Why is that the time that I have to be alone and then go home alone and try to deal with it in a healthy way? I mean yes I could come over and hang out and cry about it but again... you won't be coming home with me friend... I'll go home crawl into bed and still have to deal with it. Do you get what I'm saying? I'm not trying to be mean... I think my eyes need to be opened to some kind of truth here... I just don't know what it is...
Don't get me wrong... I know that Christ is there with me and He is my strength but how do you keep strong...maybe thats the wrong word... how do you keep hold of grace in the times that God seems foreign?
So lets just throw it out there that God is bringing up and making me deal with a lot of crap :)
I decided to put my book down and pick up my bible. I started to read Isaiah because I like Isaiah.
I come across Isaiah 50: 10-11 (NIV, emphasis added)
"Who among you fears the Lord
and obeys his servant?
If you are walking in darkness,
without a ray of light, 
trust in the Lord
and rely on your God.
But watch out, you who live in your 
own light and warm yourselves by your own fires.
This is the reward you will receive from me:
You will soon fall down in great torment."

Okay... so I read that and I think "Oh that's scary." And then I think.... "Wait... my instinct is I'm in darkness so I need to build a fire to get through this."
But God is saying trust me in the darkness.... and I'm saying "No... you put me in darkness and I'm defending myself. What's wrong with defending myself God?"
My thinking needs to change. I shouldn't be so quick to protect myself... not that that's something I can just quit doing. I've felt that I've had to do it for so long that it's basically second nature.
So... I read that verse and God shows me through this verse that He sends darkness and I don't trust Him but I take care of myself and I proudly turn to God and say "Hey! Look at this fire I built... it's great huh?" And He doesn't respond but I probably don't wait for His response and when the fire burns out and I can't get it going again I try running... far and fast. I have to find God if I just keep running right?
God says in Is. 45:7
"I create the light and make the darkness.
I send good times and bad times.
I, the Lord, am the one who does these things."


Why am I trying to prove myself in the things that He makes and creates?
I think I really want to prove that I can do it and I'm constantly trying to reverse the lies and memories I was given by the people that were supposed to.... provide, protect and love me.
They do love me but dang I did not realize that the scars ran this freaking deep.
I keep thinking to myself "Shouldn't I be over this by now??" I guess there is more to deal with... that's fine. I don't think I have a choice but to deal with it :)

He also says in Is. 14:24
"It will happen as I have planned.
It will be as I have decided."
So... As Pastor Whipple told me. God gave me the parents (and family) I have for a reason. He planned it and He knew what He was doing. Also... just the life I have in general, all the pain, all the happiness, everything... He planned and it will be as He decides.

I feel like I covered a lot but... that's fine.

Everyday...

So one of the best parts of going to work are the back roads I take to get there. Small, 35 MPH speed limit, run down back roads. I had today off so I did things around the house, went to the grocery (forgot toilet paper... sucks) and watched Eliza for awhile. It was great. I tried to stay away from the barn because I'm there a lot and I need to make sure I'm not around the barn on my days off... there is no need to get run down and burnt out. The only problem... all day I kept thinking "I should go ride. No I need to stay away from the barn... but maybe I'll just go for a drive down those roads. No because then I'll go to the barn and I need to take my day off from the barn. But I want to see Jack and just kiss his nose. No.. okay time for the pep-talk.... Halie. You have to stay away from the barn. You are there way to much already and yes you love it but you have filing, dishes, LAUNDRY, and trash to take out so go home. Jack will be there in the morning and you have to be there all day anyways... so freaking go home."
So I didn't go to the barn today. Which is good because I will be there all day tomorrow and most of the day on Sunday.

I've decided to not do laundry and just buy underwear.

It's true.
Regardless... I went for a great ride this morning. We have this horse at the barn who's name is Jack and well.. I didn't love him at first. He's old and he acts old BUT he has great muscle. He's an old ranch horse :)
He's pretty. Not scared of much and has a great western trot :) Good canter to much he's just nice and slow. Gives you time to look at the scenery. Hannah I write most of this for you :) Either way, took him on a nice long trail ride the other day and decided I needed to take him out for myself today and just ride him. So I saddled him up and took him out to the track. First thing I learned... I needed to take the saddle off :) I hate riding with saddles but the executive director was at the barn and I wasn't sure how she would feel about me working a horse without a saddle. Not everyone at this barn rides the way I do... which is fine. They ride English I ride with no saddle. So... I took the saddle off. Now everything feels right. He goes into a beautiful trot then into a beautiful canter and we just ride and sweat and work for a good 10 or 15 minutes. Not to long. This old man hasn't been worked like this in while and well... neither have I. So we walk around the track for awhile (this barn used to breed and train throughbred races horses so this is a nice mile long track)... go back grab the saddle and head back to the barn. We were both dripping sweat. I'm sure he's never been happier to see the barn. The poor boy is such a ranch horse. He did not like being out the riding by himself even though he listened really well and did not eat while we were working I could just tell that he was like "I'M RETIRED AND IT'S HOT. FREAKIN' TAKE ME BACK" So, I'm going to continue taking him out and riding him and just getting him used to his new life here. He hasn't been worked much since he left the ranch so I think he's also got kind of lazy. He's just the most perfect old, want to go on a nice trail ride with a sound horse, horse :) He's sweet but not to attached or needy. He's a good "project" horse that doesn't really need to learn anything he just needs to be worked... and stretched. The old man has arthritis.
Well... that's all. Have a good hot day.

Going to church.

I went to Traders Point Christian Church today.
It was huge.
The head pastor was gone but their age-level pastor (I don't know what age-level means) spoke today.
I enjoyed what he had to say. He held my attention the entire time and I walked away with stuff to chew on. So... I've decided to give it a couple of weeks and try to get involved there and see what happens. Did I meantion it's huge? Well... it is. So... I don't quite know how I'm going to get connected but I'll try a couple of things out.
I'm really happy I have the barn right now because even though I feel completely out of place everywhere else when I'm at the barn and I'm able to go for a good ride... I feel confident and normal? yeah... normal is a good word... it's also nice to have Rebekah close. She makes me feel normal too... or at least relaxed.

Sometimes when you live in a new place you have to do new things.

Like laundry.
How is laundry new?
Let me tell you... first you have to go the main apartment building and load up your laundry card (my fancy apartment complex has these)... make sure you have your laundry basket. After you're all loaded up walk into a door that doesn't open because you're sure that's where the laundry room is... next walk into the indoor tennis court because maybe it's across from there?? No it's definitely not... so you walk into the bathrooms as quickly as possible because people are watching you at this point. Go pee... because your nervous. After you pee look in the mirror try to remember with all your might where these laundry facilities could be..... okay you really don't remember. Suck it up and go back into the hallway. Run back into the bathroom. Think harder!! Do you need to pee again? No... that's just ridiculous. Okay... go back out. Ask the nice, basically deaf lady at the desk where the laundry facilities are. She'll ask what building you're in. When you tell her she'll say "Come look at this map." So you do... you find your building on the map but nothing about laundry. Keep in mind you are still carrying your laundry around with you. Anyways... deaf lady will then say well do you know the direction of your building... yes you do because... well... you just came from there. So she'll take you to a window and ask which direction your building is in. When you point it out she'll say "Well you should be able to do it in that building over there where that car is turning (points to car turning but all you'll see is your apartment building... knowing that there is not a basement for you to do your laundry in)" So... you'll say "Thank you!" and kindly leave. Next drive around hoping to see a building that maybe has a laundry room but not sure what that looks like... so you'll decide to keep driving and just go home... nope changed your mind you don't want to go home because you don't have internet and you have things that HAVE to be done and you need the internet. So, you decided to go to the nearest Starbucks and use there internet.
And there you go. Laundry is not done but you are at Starbucks getting other things done. YAY... try again tomorrow.

Remember when...

Okay not only is that a name to a country song :) BUT I'm also asking you to remember when I first told you I was going to meet the family I would be nannying for?
Well… today is my last day with them. I feel like I should be sad but I'm not. It also has not hit me yet that last night was officially my last night in Lafayette. I feel like I've been saying, "I"m just ready to be in Indy and not so in between places," but now that I will actually be in Indy full time I can barely believe it.

Working Late.

The babies are asleep and Hunter is watching TV.
Sugar was put down today. She had cancer and wasn't doing to well. I was hoping they would wait until I left to put her down but it was definitely time. She was struggling. Either way it still is a bummer. This last week of work has been all kinds of emotional. I mean a lot has happened. Last night I went to my parents and I always know that when I go there it will either be kind of dramatic or really good :) So I went to spend the night because I'll be in Indy soon and know I won't be able to see them as much. Either way, my mom is really struggling with some stuff so it really felt like I was back in high school. Except… a little different because I'm not 15 anymore. Anyways, I haven't been to stressed out about everything. The only thing that makes me squirm is the thought of continuing to talk to people about this and being honest about what's going on. It's easy to text someone once and say "please be praying about this" but to continue to go to your friends and talk to them because that's the healthy thing to do… I'm not so sure about that. I realized that this is what needs to happen when a friend of mine was having a huge breakdown the other night and while she was crying she said "I didn't realize how emotionally screwed up I was until I had people to hold me while I cried and let me cry and then prayed with me about everything."
It was good to hear her say that. She has a great relationship with the Lord and always has.
Either way, I know I'm pretty emotionally messed up and I'm not saying I need to have the same experience she did. I realized though that she let her guard down and let herself show emotions and was allowed to then work through other things and was just able to feel. This is hard for me. I get awkward. I avoid it because I don't know what to say and no one really knows the situation or really understands it and I don't want someone to pity me or think badly of my parents. Well… okay… I actually don't know why I get so awkward about talking about it… I mean those are good excuses but also I think it's hard for me to be open and honest and then just let them love me. Being vulnerable usually leaves me feeling… scared and empty. Huh.
I have to go… the babies are tearing shit up… I can hear them.

I stepped on this this morning...

Books.

I've now changed the title of this blog 3 times and I'm sure I'll change it 5 more times before the end. I'm terrible at naming things. I always had my art teachers name my art works that went up in galleries because I never could. Anyways... I like to read. I think I've talked about this before but here we are again.

Last night as I was laying in bed (which is currently a mattress on the floor of the Davey girls room but a bed none the less better than just the floor, which I did sleep on one night...either way...) I saw a book with the title Passion and Purity. I usually LOVE to skim these books because they usually say the silliest things that give christian women silly hope. The author is Elisabeth Elliot and I haven't heard anything about her but she seems interesting. The book is still kind of silly but she does have some good things to say.... well actually what I really like is that incorporates the letters that people write to her. They ask about relationships, why this happened or blah blah. Okay here's where I drop the tough act and let you know that this book actually has smacked me in the face. It's kind of made me mad at times... the worst part?

It makes me mad because she talks about things that I've struggled with for years and is informing me that I messed up. Don't like that... maybe some more on that later. For now I just wanted to touch on 2 things that stuck out to me.

1) After sharing some of her journal entries, that were only scriptures, she pointed out that she didn't know what she was upset about but that it was "better to stick with what God was saying to me [scriptures] than what my heart was saying."(p52)

The next one I'll spend more time explaining later... also remember I'm just giving you a clip of the book.

2) A girl says to her "I'm not arguing theology and all that. All I'm thinking about is asking Al if he would want to go to chinese. Anything wrong with that?"

She responds with "Be careful. Don't put him in an indefinable position. Also... if you marry Al would you (or he?) be okay with the fact that you pursued him?"

[Still from the book] I would ask my challengers to reflect on the design of the Designer; to ask what it means; to test the way they treat the opposite sex with these questions: is it fitting? is it in accord with my best understanding of God's plan? What is it that brings God's man and God's woman near to each other with delicacy and grace?

"Well, how about if I just call and ask him what I can pray for for him this week?"

You have not yet understood.

I liked the last part.

I'll write more later.

Everytime we go outside...

Grayson says to me "We need to put on ice cream."
Me: "Do you mean sunscreen?"
Grayson: "ummm... yeah sunscreen."

Home Sick

I think I've talked about this before... but I guess we can talk about it again :)
Anyways... not many of my friends are from the country... actually... ummm... none of them... well that I can think of right now. Either way, sometimes I want to grab my gun, a 4-wheeler (if we still had one) (a horse is always fun to take too) throw them in the back of the truck and take off to the creek. Then spend the day riding and shoot some clay pigeons before making a fire, eating and then falling asleep either in the back of the truck, trailer or a tent. I know to many this would be something that a "hick" would do but say what you want it's my favorite and this is the kind of stuff I miss.
That's all.

How about these storms.

I enjoy a good thunderstorm but not driving in it or being woken up from crazy, crackling lightning.